Tuesday 24th April 2012
One of the tough jobs was telling the kids, Kate had seen me after the doctor, she was following me on her way to the Muzz Buzz to start her shift. She was aware that her mum had met me at the hospital and was worried about what was going on. I pulled into the Muzz Buzz to grab a coffee on my way through to Clearshield, Kate opens my passenger door looks at me and asks are you OK?
I really wasn't ready to tell her, I wasn't ready to tell myself, unfortunately she could see something was wrong and I couldn't lie to her. "They have found a bunch of lumps in my neck and chest, we have to do some tests and stuff". There was a look of sadness that shifted to anger, she said nothing, she simply closed the car door and went into the Muzz Buzz. I spoke to her through the window, "Kate its going to be OK! We will figure this out and it will be OK, alright?" She smiled, I smiled, I drove away.
Kate has a way of converting her strong emotions to anger, this is her defence mechanism primarily developed to cope when she was a young girl. When I met Jacqui, I connected quickly with Kate, she displayed many amazing traits and her fair share of annoying traits, what Kate wanted more than anything else was a Dad, someone who would love her unconditionally, stand by her, stand up to her, support her and most importantly be there for her always. There's nothing Kate could do that could push me away and she knows that, today was the 1st day where that has been put in doubt and that makes her angry. Makes me angry too.
That afternoon I had a brief management meeting at the office and discussed the situation with my management team, tasking them with work etc as I would not be in for the rest of the week as I needed to get tests done over the coming days. Oddly I found myself cleaning up my desk, putting it in order, dealing with the little unimportant 1% things like I wasn't coming back. My brain is a crazy bastard that left unchecked is a ticking time bomb.
Jac and I planned to arrive home at roughly the same time that night we discussed how we would approach this with the kids and what was the best way to share the news with them. I got home 5 or 10 minutes before Jac, Matt knew Id been to the doctor that morning and was suspicious about what was going on having already asked me a few times what was going on. I told him to let me get in the door and get changed etc and Id tell him all about it. When Jac arrived we talked and decided to wait for Kate to get home from the Muzz Buzz which meant probably a half hour wait, the kids were yahoooing about the place having fun and I was happy to leave them that way for a little longer.
When Kate got home I asked everyone to come into the lounge so we could have a chat. I started by asking if they would listen and allow me to fully explain what was going on, after which they can ask as many questions as they liked.
I laid it all out as simply and as honestly as I could, trying to deliver a balanced message that allowed the kids to have the information they needed without loosing hope. Matt began to well up as I was explaining, I asked him to try and look at this as a challenge we have to face together as a family, that thinking positively for me is the most powerful thing he could do for me. Kate gathered both Matt and Emma in a hug, this is very typical Kate, she is very supportive of others and shows great empathy, the kids often lean on her for support in times of stress. I continued to explain what had happened during the day and what was coming in the next few weeks, and most importantly that we would work through this as a family and that I loved them.
Then came the unanswerable questions,
"what will happen?" - I don't know yet!
"are you going to have Chemo?" Maybe, I don't really know yet!
"do you feel sick?" - No I feel absolutely healthy!
"are you going to die?" - Its possible, I don't know until I have been fully diagnosed!
"are you scared?" - Yes I'm scared, but I'm also strong and determined to fight!
"are you going to be OK?" - Yes I'll be OK, remember most important of all, I love you.
Hugs all round, then back to the routine that is night time for the kids, showers dinner etc.
So 3 down 1 to go, Bec.
This meant ringing up and speaking to her Mum first to give her the information first, I cant tell you how much I did not want to do that but it was important so she could be there for Bec when I told her.
I don't have a lot of words about this moment aside from it was hard for me, I didn't want to tell my daughter over the phone about this but given the current circumstance I had little choice. I asked Bec to try and remain calm and gave her the info as best I could, I told her the story and gave her the opportunity to ask any questions, there were few and the call was over fairly quickly.
I haven't fully explored how I feel about this yet there is so many emotions and wounds here, at the end of the day I love Bec, I miss her and I hope one day Ill have her properly back in my life.
So that's done what now? Indoor Beach Volleyball, lets go Jac an hour of forget
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