Ep 10: Finally An Appointment

Thursday 3rd May 2012

I looked back at yesterday and realised that I let a silly thing become a massive thing, when you think about it I was having a "Grade A Kiddies Tantrum".  I didn't get exactly what I wanted when I wanted it, as a result I lost control of my emotions and had a bit of a mini melt down.

Now I know its easy enough to condone the behaviour of yesterday, after all Ive got cancer, I must be beside myself, I must be frightened and I have a right to be angry when people don't do as they promise.  To some degree all of those points have some merit but lets be honest they are all just excuses, yes I have cancer, yes I'm scared but do I need to loose control, did it help, did I get what I needed by loosing the plot?  Of course not, what I needed to do was take a deep breath, take control of my emotions and look clearly at the situation and do something about it, it reminds me of the serenity statement,

I want to live up to it.

I seek
the serenity to accept what I cannot change;
the courage to change what I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Such a simple statement, so difficult to live up to, but try to I will.

Thursday is a busy day at Clearshield, its the day we pay our bills and wages therefore the day started off flat out which left me little time to worry about appointments.  Marlene had called me earlier in the morning to let me know she would speak to her workmate who had strong connections with SCGH Haematology.

Around 1pm I got an urgent phone call from Marlene whilst I was on another call, when I finished the call I checked the message and she told me to ring her urgently.  I immediately rang Marls, she told me I had to act quickly, it turns out my file ended up with Dr X who had decided to triage my file for 2 weeks.  Marls  knew I wanted Dr Y, she said her workmate found out Dr Y had an opening next week but I needed to get my GP to resend the referral specifically with Dr Y's name on the referral, she stressed this had to happen immediately I only had about an hour or less to get the info back to SCGH or I would miss out.

I rang my GP's surgery and got the receptionist, I explained the situation to her and she responded, "I will let the doctor know".  I responded "NO please let me explain again, this is urgent I need this done now, I nee", she cut me off mid sentence saying "yes Mr Erren I will explain this to the Dr".

OK at this point I was annoyed, clearly I was not being listened too, this woman did not in the slightest way get the urgency I was trying to express and she would only do the rote behaviour.  She will, as she always does, tell the patient that she would look into it, then in her own time eventually get to it.

This is how the conversation ended

"LOOK, please give me the respect of allowing me to complete a sentence, you WILL NOT fob this off, I have been diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma and I have an opportunity to get in front of the Head Specialist, the Dr I want to take care of me, you will act RIGHT NOW, not later! no you will not say to me Ill tell the doctor! and certainly you will not say you will look into it!"

"Now you have the referral from last Tuesday please find it and ask the Doctor to simply write attention Dr Y on the front and resend it.  The receptionist at SCGH is standing by the Fax waiting for my sister to call, I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but this is my life I'm talking about please help me"

To her wonderful credit, she got it, she got the urgency she felt my need, "John, I will do it right now and I will call you back when its done, give me 10 minutes". I thanked her sincerely and hung up.  Ten minutes later the phone rang, "John, its XYZ at the surgery, the referral is going through right now".  I thanked her hung up and rang Marls, "its on their fax now".

Later that afternoon Theresa rang me saying she had received a response from Dr Y who said he would be more than happy to take care of me, all I had to do was get the file onto his desk.  I explained to Theresa what had transpired earlier with Marlene and that Dr Y should by now have my file, Theresa was happy with that and so was I.

A few hours later, I had a call from SCGH Haematolgy Clinic, "Mr Erren, can you be here on Wednesday 9th May at 9:15?

Yes....... Yes I can 

Ep 9: Let the Frustration Begin

Wednesday 2nd May 2012

I'm at work, I'm waiting for the phone to ring, yesterday my doctor confirmed I have Hodgkin's Lymphoma and now I have to wait for an appointment with Haemtology. While I was with my doctor he rang SCGH Haematology Clinic and spoke directly to the Registrar who promised my Doc I'd get an appointment this week so all I had to do this morning was wait a for a call.  Simple right?

Wrong

I waited till 11am, my Doctor said if I hadn't heard anything by 10am, I should give them a call so I figured waiting till 11 is reasonable.  I rang the Haematology Clinic at SCGH, shared my name and details with the lovely young lady on reception and asked, reasonably I think, when my appointment was.  To say I was a little surprised at the response would be an understatement,

"Yes Mr Erren, we have your file, Dr X will probably take a look at it tomorrow and we will let you know either by phone if its urgent or probably by mail when your appointment will be".

I responded, quite literally shocked

"Tomorrow?  You will probably let me know by mail?  And you say the Doctor wont even take look at my file till tomorrow? Tomorrow is Thursday!   My doctor was told I would get an appointment this week, he spoke with your registrar, expressing this was urgent, and the registrar assured him I would see someone this week".

"Im sorry Mr Erren I cant help you any further than what I have already have told you, unfortunately this is the way the system works, we will contact you as soon as we know when your appointment is".

So today had an immediate transformation from pretty good to an angry piece of shit and all it took was one phone call with a receptionist in a hospital clinic.

So now what?  I guess I had two options, sit back patiently and wait for someone to give me a call or call the people in my life who may be able to help.  Anyone who knows me knows option A was never going to happen, the truth is I was not prepared to wait in the line where they were handing out patience so I just skipped straight past it, along the way I also skipped the lines where they handed out tact and the line where they handed out the filter that stops socially inappropriate remarks being said.

To option B then, let the phone calls begin.  I started with Marlene, if you remember shes a specialist nurse who works closely with oncology nurses, I ring her she doesn't answer, I leave a message.  I ring Theresa, she is a senior person in PathWest and works closely with Haematology so I figure she must have and in, she doesn't answer.  I can feel the anger and frustration at the situation begin to build in me, of course both Marlene and Theresa are busy at their work, its 11am they are probably flat out, relax.

I'm feeling irrationally angry about this, it should be simple for Christ sake, I have cancer, its got to be addressed quickly, I don't have time to waste, don't they understand this?  I do the only sensible thing, ring Jacqui, I'm frustrated about the situation, and Jac has a way of calming me down, we talk it through, she gives me some reassuring words tells me both Marlene and Theresa will call as soon as they can and it will figure itself out.  I hang up and realise that I have been pacing up and down the Clearshield driveway through the conversation, a clear sign of my agitation.

Hours pass by, the day is a write off I cant concentrate on anything and I'm growling at anybody that comes near me, at 3:30 I finally give in and go home.  On the way home Theresa rings, she tells me she has been in a conference all day, she would give the Specialist a call and send him an email.  Marlene rings me back a bit later, she also says she will speak to her friends and see what she can do, she reassures me that the system works it can sometimes be frustrating but it works.

OK, so its Wednesday, I'm Pissed Off, I have no appointment and I'm not feeling very confident I will know anything tomorrow, what I do know is I wont be seeing anyone this week.  A few hours later Theresa calls me and let me know she had rung the specialist, unfortunately she only got his message service so she decided to write him an email.  She read it to me, it was a typical Theresa statement that fundamentally said in a professional tone to the Specialist, this is my friend, I love him and can you look after him for me please.

Oh well, its all we can do today, Marls is onto it, Theresa is on to it, time for a drink I think

Ep 8: Yeah its Hodgkin's Lymphoma

Monday 30th April 2012

Back to work today, I prepared myself for all the questions from everyone in the office, I work with a tight group of people who genuinely care about each other, I think we sometimes over look the amount of time we spend with our workmates and how much they care about us and each other. The day went by fairly easily with the time being absorbed by catch up from last week and prep for the week to come.  I had come to the conclusion that I wasn't likely to get a result today so dealing with the day was fairly simple, I have discovered that if someone tells me "don't expect something till X" then I'm all good.

We had volleyball that night at 6:15 so I had to be out of the office on-time to get there. As I rushed home Theresa rang to let me know that the results had just come in and that they would be sent through to the doctor who would likely ring me in the morning.  I don't think I could have waited till then so I asked, "what is it" she paused a little and said "yeah its Hodgkin's Lymphoma".

I have to say I was surprised at my reaction to hearing it actually said, I expected a deep rush of emotions but it was all a bit matter of fact for me.  Maybe because I already knew in my heart what it was and also maybe I was a little relieved.  I was expecting it to be some form of Lymphoma so I was happy it was Hodgkin's as that was the better of the two to have.  We talked a bit longer about what to expect next, said our goodbyes and I drove on. I phoned Jac to let her know as she was rushing home too, again both our reactions were more along the line of "oh well that's just confirmed what we kind of already knew"

I got home and rushed to change and get out to the Rec Centre, in the process stupidly leaving my phone at home.  We played the games, I cant remember if we won or lost but I do remember strangely enjoying the night.  We were de-sanding me, this is a ritual to remove half the sand from the volley ball court, off my hairy carcass after a game.  This requires the help of my able assistant Jacqui, another shining example of her love for me because its quite the task.  Jacqui's phone rang, she answered, it turned out it was my GP, he had been ringing my phone which was at home and was frustrated enough to look up Jacs number and called her to get a hold of me, it was around 7:15.  "Hi John its Doctor X, I have been trying your phone for a while now, I was thinking this is weird you always have your phone with you, anyway I have your results, it is confirmed Hodgkins Lymphoma, I'd like you to come in 1st thing in the morning so we can start the treatment plan".  Ok doc see you in the morning.

Tuesday 1st May 2012

Jacqui and I were in the Doctors Surgery for 9am, we were ushered in fairly quickly, the Doctor ran through the results of all the previous tests.

1. The FNA confirmed Hodgkins Lymphoma and a Lymph Biopsy would be required for further confirmation and staging.  
2. The lower Abdominal CAT Scan showed no visible lumps which would indicate at this stage that the cancer is above the Diaphragm which is very good news
3. The blood tests came back non specific.

So I was OK on the first 2 points but not OK on the blood tests, "Non Specific? what the hell does that mean?"  The Doctor explained that all the indicators, Platelets, white blood cells etc whilst slightly raised were more in the line of someone who was fighting a mild infection which may indicate that my body was not yet in full stress mode trying to attack the cancer.  "so does that mean we've got it early" In typical Doctorese, "at this stage we don't know, we need to refer you to a Haematologist who will do further tests and you will know more from there".

Now let me state something here and now, my GP has been awesome and I fully understand he has done everything he can to help me.  Simply put, when your faced with this stuff hes the "Go To Guy" for information and when he doesn't have it ya get cranky.  This is neither fair or reasonable behaviour on my part but sometimes the Crazy Bastard aint always up for reasonableness.

So we filled out the forms, had the referrals done and sent off to Sir Charles Gairdner Haematology with the closing remark, if you haven't heard from them by 10am tomorrow give them a call and find out whats going, you should get an appointment this week.

Sure I will

Ep 7: Nothing left to do but burn stuff

Sunday 29th April 2012

So there we were, sitting on Mums bed, she was telling us about the procedure she was prepping for, it involved her drinking 4 liters of some fluid.  A nurse would come at 7:30am the next morning to have Mum swallow a Pill Camera and attach a receiver to her which the Pill Camera transmits the pictures to, it travels through her intestines and takes 60,000 photos over 8 hours.

We chatted about other stuff for a while, I was beginning to waver, starting to talk myself out of telling her, Marlenes right, Mum might not cope, she might stop doing the procedure, then common sense prevailed.

"Mum I need to talk to you about some stuff" and I delivered the story, Mum sat there quietly, she very typically looked at me and said "wat betekent dat allemaal, dat begrijp ik niet",  To translate, for the young players in the audience, and those of you who aren't Dutch, its Mums way of expressing dismay and disbelief, it basically means "what are you saying, I cant believe what I'm hearing", this is not a direct translation its more of a gist of what she was saying.

Mum remained calm, she had a very sad look on her face as she asked the usual questions.
The conversation went something like this
"what will happen? - I don't know yet Mum"
"what did the Doctor say? - he said I need to do a lot of tests and see the Specialist"
"Ja, maar Johnny, je kunt het vechten, je bent toch sterk"

Actual Translation - Yes but Johnny you can fight it, you are strong
Gist of what she meant - I have faith in you, you are strong and you will beat this

This is Mums way of saying it will all be OK, somehow it felt like it would be, we talked for a while longer about other stuff and then it was time to go and I got my hug, it was a warm strong hug that ended with "you will be OK and I love you".

We drove home, I spoke with Jacqui about the whole thing, we both agreed Mum was fine and that she really is a tough old girl.  Marlene went to see Mum not long after we left, as she was leaving she text me to say Mum was fine and that I was right, she was coping well with the news.

Well that went well enough!

Only one thing to do, go home crack a bottle of wine and light a big fire.

Make the fire so irresistible that Chris and Trevor come over and drink wine with us.




And they did


And it was fun


The things I REALLY love

• Jacqui
• The Kids
• Ice cream
• Fire

Ep 6: I wanted a hug from my Mum

So you might remember I mentioned my mind can be a crazy bastard if left unchecked, I don't mind telling you that "Crazy Bastard" did some of its best work over the next 4 days waiting for results.

Thursday 26th April 2012

Today we have the biopsy at 2pm, its called a Fine Needle Aspiration (FNA) this procedure is performed with out anesthetic and with the help of an Ultra Sound to ensure they don't pierce one of the major arteries in my neck.  Just out right excited about getting that done *holds up sarcasm sign*

Tomorrow the Abdominal Cat Scan (no we wont be scanning my abdomen for a cat).

Jacqui has taken the next 2 days off to be with me while I do this stuff, support I love and appreciate and it must be said, an excellent way of keeping the earlier mentioned Crazy Bastard (my mind) in order.

With out constant outside stimulation from others (Jacqui), i.e.conversation filled with common sense, positive outlooks, warm hugs and realistic expectations the Crazy Bastard, lurches towards such sensible topics as "Is my Life Insurance up to date", "shit I need to sort out my will" and "how do I want my funeral to be".  There are also some other sub topics like "I wonder if I can still be an organ donor if I die of cancer" and "I think Ill do a video message that they can play at my funeral".

Thursday kind of blasted by me without me really noticing - WIN

Friday 27th April 2012

Tests, phone calls and stuff.

I had a bunch of phone calls today both taken and made, the main phone calls I made were to my sister Marlene and to Theresa, they are both involved in the medical industry.  Marlene is a specialist Nurse who deals directly with cancer patients and practitioners and Theresa is a Medical Scientist and Manager of Perth's Major Pathology provider.  Both of them are able to inform me on who to speak to and how long tests will take.

I wanted results today, I wanted to go see my doctor today, I wanted to go into the weekend knowing exactly what I was facing and exactly what is coming up.  What I got was a reality check, John, tests take time, John, doctors have schedules filled with other people who need them too.

Jacqui took me to lunch, it was nice just to spend time with her just to take a breath just to enjoy each other for a while. We spent the afternoon doing stuff sorting some things out with the Muzz Buzz and having a couple of drinks, that evening I went to pick up Matt.

Saturday 28th April 2012

Jacqui and I worked at the Muzz Buzz got home had a few wines collapsed fell asleep on the couch

Sunday 29th April 2012

Jac and I were due to work the whole day however we arranged for Kate and Matt to do the afternoon for us so I could go see my Mum.  I had decided on Tuesday to not tell mum until I was absolutely certain what was going on, I was trying to protect her but in the process was hurting myself.

Heres the premise, Mums 82 years old has a bunch of health issues going on and in the last 6 months has moved out of her home into an aged care facility, she needs shielding from this right?

No No NO

Shes not a child, she is in perfect mental health, she is the strongest person I know and shes my mum and I need a hug from her.

Mum is an amazing woman who has lived her life with dignity and strength, she has gained the love and respect of everybody that has had anything to do with her.

Lets list some of her career highlights

• Lived through WWII as a teenager, supporting her Mum and Sick Father in keeping their huge family safe and together
• Married my Dad & they emigrated to Australia
• Discovered they were unable to have kids so went back to Holland to try and solve that issue to no avail
• Decided to come back to Aus and brought My Oma and Mums 13 Brothers and Sisters here with them (calculated plan of Dad to stop Homesickness for Mum).
• Adopted my Sister and I
• Lost the love of her life and soul partner (My Dad) to Cancer in 1992
• Hugged me when I told her they had found lumps in my chest and told me it would be ok

Mum was due to have a procedure done the next day, I rang Marlene to let her know I had changed my mind and wanted to tell Mum what was going on.  Marlene was not very happy about me telling Mum because she was concerned the stress it would put her under and that it may put the procedure for tomorrow under jeopardy.

I guess I have to take a step back here, I wanted to tell my Mum about this for my benefit, to help me, was I being selfish?  No, I don't think I was, like I've said Mum is a strong amazing woman and we ought to give her more credit, yes her body may be frail but her mind is not.  I had told everyone else around me what was going on and hadn't told my Mum, that was wrong, she should have been one of the 1st to know not the last.  Who am I to decide for her what she can cope with?  

The most important point is that I needed to tell her, for my benefit, to help me process all this and to get a hug from my Mum

Ep 5: The Explaining

Right so that was Tuesday the 24th April 2012, forever known as "That Tuesday"

Wednesday 25th April 2012
Its ANZAC Day, Jac and I worked the Muzz Buzz together from 8am to 2pm, we are massively short staffed so we have had to step up and do some time in the store.  Its turned out to be a god send, just being with each other working together without having to constantly think about "it".

We knocked off and headed home, we ended up next door with Chris and Trevor, this is the beginning of the Phase I'm now calling "The Explaining".

Aside from my family there are a number of people in my life who just deserve the full explanation, on top of that pile are Robbie and Theresa.  I spoke to Robbie on "That Tuesday", Robbie is my best mate, he is a wonderful human who I am so proud to call my mate.  He is someone, probably the only one that can tell me I'm wrong, he has been my comfort so many times when things are tough and equally I have been his through his journey, hes my best mate and he was the 1st person I told.

We have traveled some roads together and have been there for each other, he'll be there with me when this gets serious.  I'm a lucky Man, I have Jacqui, a strong wonderful woman, who despite good reasons not to, loves me unconditionally and I have Robbie who is a strong wonderful man who also loves me unconditionally.

Bryn and Wendy are our Indoor Volley Ball team mates and also great friends, we have an easy, complication free friendship and have enjoyed many meals laughs and good times together.  Jacqui and I truly enjoy their company and they were the next people we saw after having told the kids, so they got to hear about this on "That Tuesday" also.

Chris and Trevor are our neighbours and friends, we spend a lot of free time together, after working at the Muzz Buzz Jac and I went next door to have a drink with them, 1st thing Trevor says to me is "why do you look like the worlds going to end" so we told them too.

Jac and I did not feel like cooking so we decided to go to The Byford for dinner, and naturally dinner at The Byford required the participation of The Jones Family, and it was so and it was good, sadly Bryn proved to be correct on 2 separate occasions, I was off my game.

ANZAC Day was brought to you By the Letter C and a number of days more of waiting

Ep 4: Kids, we need to talk

Tuesday 24th April 2012

One of the tough jobs was telling the kids, Kate had seen me after the doctor, she was following me on her way to the Muzz Buzz to start her shift.  She was aware that her mum had met me at the hospital and was worried about what was going on.  I pulled into the Muzz Buzz to grab a coffee on my way through to Clearshield, Kate opens my passenger door looks at me and asks are you OK?

I really wasn't ready to tell her, I wasn't ready to tell myself, unfortunately she could see something was wrong and I couldn't lie to her.  "They have found a bunch of lumps in my neck and chest, we have to do some tests and stuff".  There was a look of sadness that shifted to anger, she said nothing, she simply closed the car door and went into the Muzz Buzz.  I spoke to her through the window, "Kate its going to be OK! We will figure this out and it will be OK, alright?"  She smiled, I smiled, I drove away.

Kate has a way of converting her strong emotions to anger, this is her defence mechanism primarily developed to cope when she was a young girl.  When I met Jacqui, I  connected quickly with Kate, she displayed many amazing traits and her fair share of annoying traits, what Kate wanted more than anything else was a Dad, someone who would love her unconditionally, stand by her, stand up to her, support her and most importantly be there for her always.  There's nothing Kate could do that could push me away and she knows that, today was the 1st day where that has been put in doubt and that makes her angry.  Makes me angry too.

That afternoon I had a brief management meeting at the office and discussed the situation with my management team, tasking them with work etc as I would not be in for the rest of the week as I needed to get tests done over the coming days.  Oddly I found myself cleaning up my desk, putting it in order, dealing with the little unimportant 1% things like I wasn't coming back.  My brain is a crazy bastard that left unchecked is a ticking time bomb.

Jac and I planned to arrive home at roughly the same time that night we discussed how we would approach this with the kids and what was the best way to share the news with them.  I got home 5 or 10 minutes before Jac, Matt knew Id been to the doctor that morning and was suspicious about what was going on having already asked me a few times what was going on.  I told him to let me get in the door and get changed etc and Id tell him all about it.  When Jac arrived we talked and decided to wait for Kate to get home from the Muzz Buzz which meant probably a half hour wait, the kids were yahoooing about the place having fun and I was happy to leave them that way for a little longer.

When Kate got home I asked everyone to come into the lounge so we could have a chat.  I started by asking if they would listen and allow me to fully explain what was going on, after which they can ask as many questions as they liked.

I laid it all out as simply and as honestly as I could, trying to deliver a balanced message that allowed the kids to have the information they needed without loosing hope.  Matt began to well up as I was explaining, I asked him to try and look at this as a challenge we have to face together as a family, that thinking positively for me is the most powerful thing he could do for me.  Kate gathered both Matt and Emma in a hug, this is very typical Kate, she is very supportive of others and shows great empathy, the kids often lean on her for support in times of stress.  I continued to explain what had happened during the day and what was coming in the next few weeks, and most importantly that we would work through this as a family and that I loved them.

Then came the unanswerable questions,
                   "what will happen?" - I don't know yet!
                   "are you going to have Chemo?" Maybe, I don't really know yet!
                   "do you feel sick?" - No I feel absolutely healthy!
                   "are you going to die?" - Its possible, I don't know until I have been fully diagnosed!
                   "are you scared?" - Yes I'm scared, but I'm also strong and determined to fight!
                   "are you going to be OK?" - Yes I'll be OK, remember most important of all, I love you.

Hugs all round, then back to the routine that is night time for the kids, showers dinner etc.

So 3 down 1 to go, Bec.

This meant ringing up and speaking to her Mum first to give her the information first, I cant tell you how much I did not want to do that but it was important so she could be there for Bec when I told her.

I don't have a lot of words about this moment aside from it was hard for me, I didn't want to tell my daughter over the phone about this but given the current circumstance I had little choice.  I asked Bec to try and remain calm and gave her the info as best I could, I told her the story and gave her the opportunity to ask any questions, there were few and the call was over fairly quickly.

I haven't fully explored how I feel about this yet there is so many emotions and wounds here, at the end of the day I love Bec, I miss her and I hope one day Ill have her properly back in my life.

So that's done what now?  Indoor Beach Volleyball, lets go Jac an hour of forget

Ep 3: I'm afraid its not good news

Tuesday 24th April 2012 (cont....)

So there we sit, waiting, I'm called in to speak with the Head Radiologist, Dr XYZ, "I have reviewed the CT scan and there is a large number of lumps in your neck and chest.  The largest cluster are along your sternum predominantly on your right side.  I have spoken with your GP, he would like to see you immediately, I will complete my review and you can take the report and films with you, your GP will discuss your care plan with you"

All the staff at the radiology clinic and I mean ALL of them are being extremely helpful, I'm the only person there with a cup of coffee made for me, nothing is too much and the speed at which I had the results and the review would make some folk uncomfortable, why else other than having a real issue are these lovely people being so extra lovely just to me?

Its roughly Midday, I'm strangely feeling calm and in control, Jacqui is beside me holding my hand, we go to our cars and head off to Byford to see my GP.

Jaqui and I arrive at the Byford Medical Center, present at the reception and within a few minutes are sitting down with my GP.  "Thanks for coming back, I've received your CT scan from the radiologist and I'm afraid its not good news."  In a nutshell he begins to describe the issues as presented, I have a large number of lumps present in my neck and chest, the largest is 55mm x 65mm, my lungs are however clear which is a good sign. Im shown the CT scan where you can clearly see the lumps and man there is a shit load of them.

What now doc?

"OK we will need to do a biopsy, its called a FNA and is done by gathering cells from your Lymph Node with a needle which is guided by an ultrasound to ensure we don't rupture any of the main blood vessels that surround the area."

"The biopsy is required to ascertain what type of cancer you have, my best guess is it will be Lymphoma however although your lungs are clear you may also have Lung Cancer"

"Lets hope its Lymphoma"

"You also will need a Abdominal CT Scan to see if your lumps are also below the diaphragm.  Once we have the results back we will discuss any possible treatment plans."

I ask some questions, what will happen next? what is the procedure? is there a cure? will I die?  The answers consisted of "we will know more when we have the results back".

Tomorrow is ANZAC Day so we arrange the Biopsy for Thursday and the Abdominal CT Scan for Friday, I loose my control a little, I hug Jacqui and head off to the office to confront the rest of the day and to arrange for some time off.

Time to start telling people who need to know what I now know, there's a significant mass of lumps in my neck and chest!

Ep 2: The Doctor

Tuesday 24th April 2012

The Doctors appointment was @ 7:45 AM, I figured get in early get told it was nothing to worry about and get into work at a reasonable time.  Jacqui is due in court this morning so she couldn't come along.

The Doc was running on time and I'm getting the full prod and poke, yes the lump in my neck was odd but everything else seems fine, no I cant feel any other lumps in all the other areas, armpits groin etc, lungs sound fine good blood pressure all things seem OK.

Doctor recommends getting bloods done, getting a chest and neck X-Ray and an ultrasound on the lump.  He shares, I can do bloods at the surgery and head down to Armadale immediately and have the X-Ray done but I will have to make an appointment for the Ultrasound in a few days.

So I head on down to Armadale, present at the X-Ray clinic and book the Ultrasound which wouldn't be until next Monday, I can go straight in for the X-Ray.  I wait for about 10 mins then get called up and taken to the X-Ray section and have my neck and chest X-Ray-ed. Twenty minutes later all done and dusted and I'm in the reception area paying the bill and confirming the Monday Ultrasound, its about 9:30 AM, I'm thinking cool be in the office by 10 all good.

I have left the building, I'm walking to my car and am about half way across the carpark when I hear someone call my name, I turn to see the guy from X-Ray walking to me asking if I could come back in as the Head Radiologist would like to speak to me, I agree and we walk back together in silence.

FUCK, no seriously FUCK what does this mean, no John its ok relax they just didnt get an X-Ray right that's all it is, nothing to worry about.

I get back to the reception area and am asked to take a seat, the doctor will be with me shortly.

"John? Hi my name is Doctor XYZ, I'm the Head Radiologist here, look Ive found a "significant mass" in your chest and would like to do a CT Scan right away.  Ive phoned your doctor and he has agreed and will fax the referral to me now so is OK if we do that?"

External John - "Sure absolutely no probs lets do that now, thanks heaps"

Internal John -  Fuck, a significant mass? - what the fuck does that mean?
                       urgent CT Scan? - That doesn't sound good
                       Fuck, no relax its fine, it will be fine
                       FUCK, calm down dickhead its gonna be fine
                       FUCK FUCK FUCK, OK I'm officially shitting myself

Right get a hold of your self John, stay calm we will figure it all out.

I txt Jacqui, "can you call me when you get out of court" and I wait for about 30 minutes.  A lovely nurse calls me and gets me to change into a hospital gown and asks me to lay on a bed to have an intravenous put in for the Dye.  A few minutes later that's done, its now 10:30 AM ish, Jacqui rings, shes out of court, I tell her the story so far, she says shes coming straight away.  I'm thinking thank you, I need you right now, I'm saying I'm sure it will be fine, she agrees it will be fine.

Im called up and go in for the CT Scan, they hook me up to this dye, inject it and I get a feeling much like a hot flush, I'm told this is normal.  After a few jokes with the nurses and radiographer approx15 mins later I'm back in the waiting area, waiting for the films to take back to my GP.

Jacqui arrives and gives me a huge hug, in that simple hug I feel my strength, my sense of self and my confidence returned to me, never are you more aware of how integral someone is to your sense of being alright than at these times.

I love you Jacqui, your a strong amazing woman who has overcome so many challenges, I'm thankful you are by my side

Ill tell you all the rest of this day in the next post

Ep 1: It will go away right?

Its Thursday 19th April 2012

So I'm sitting at my desk, working on my monthly management report, I often rub my neck as I'm thinking things through, as I do this I feel a lump just above my collar bone right by my neck, its hard, irregular in shape and probably the size of a ping pong ball.  I think to my myself "hmmmm that dosn't feel right" then in a masterful piece of manliness I shrug it off and pretend it inst there, cause it will go away, right?

That strategy worked for about an hour then I'm finding myself rubbing that spot again, probing it prodding it and generally engaging all my FUCK what is this thoughts in a succession of down spiralling negative thoughts to the final conclusion I'm dead its just a matter of time.

So naturally I pushed it aside and said nothing to anyone, because if I tell Jacqui about it, it becomes real, if I tell Jacqui she will reasonably insist I go to the doctor, if I tell Jacqui I will worry her.  The best thing to do is pretend its not there - simple.

Friday 20th April 2012

I keep touching the lump, it seems bigger, cant be bigger, its my imagination, its just an inflammation it will go away.  The good news is we got broken into at the Muzz Buzz at 2:30 AM so I am able to distract myself with tasks of repairing the Roller Shutter and making the store secure for the night.  This keeps my occupied until 10:30 ish PM I head home go to bed -

Saturday 21st April 2012

Jacqui's working at The Muzz Buzz, I didnt sleep much very restless, I head out to the Bank, the shops to buy stuff to complete the repairs and head to the store and spend the day with Jac.  I keep touching the lump, fuck I think its bigger, no no your being stupid, dont worry it will go away.

Should I tell Jacqui, nope why worry her, it will go away.

Sunday 22nd April 2012

I go visit mum as I do every Sunday morning, shes been in a retirement home for about 6 months now and I make it a routine to go say high early most Sunday mornings.  I feel for the lump, its still there.

Jacqui rings me saying she suspects the girl working with her is stealing money from our till, I head to the shop and spend the next 3 hours trawling CCTV footage gathering evidence.  Jacs right, I confront the employee with the evidence, she admitted she had stolen money and handed me back the money.  I dismissed her immediately and sent her from the store, looks like its the Jac and John team for the rest of the day.  I'm stressed angry and very sad about the theft, I feel for the lump, its still there.

I look at Jacqui, I simply cant withhold this anymore, I need her to tell me it will be OK and it will go away, its perfectly normal, Ill tell Jac shell tell me its all gonna be OK.

I say to her what do you think this is Darl, she feels it says "oh" and her face shows a worried expression, she looks at me says I think you need to get that checked out.

Right so that was a win now we are both scared.

ITS NOTHING IT WILL GO AWAY

RIGHT?