Coffee!
Those of you who know me personally know I have an affection for coffee.
I love and admire a good coffee, made by a well trained Barista, who is lucky enough to have at their disposal great coffee. You know the one I'm talking about, some beautifully roasted single origin bean, hand picked by the descendants of a generational coffee growing dynasty (code for some poor half starved subsistence farmer). On the other hand I also love a well made, consistent coffee, a coffee I can drink while driving in my car, from a straw which has a cool name like "Really BIG One".
I guess it would be fair to say I love coffee but I'm not a coffee wanker.
I started loving this activity so much I began talking to Jacqui about how cool it would be for us to have a drive thru coffee shop of our own. Jacqui and I opened our Muzz Buzz in Corfield Street, Gosnells in June 2009, it took nearly 2 years to get open, there is a story of its own right there but not for today. The Muzz Buzz has been a significant focal point in our lives for the last 3 1/2 years it has been both a joy and a tremendous weight. Bringing us to the present, we have just survived what could be best described as Annus Horriblis (a Horrible Year).
There was that whole cancer thing but far worse was the massive road works going on at our Muzz Buzz. The street was effectively blocked for almost a year, for those of you playing along at home, you have all just guessed correctly, a successful Drive Thru Coffee shop requires cars being able to "Drive Thru". We could hardly pay wages so the only answer was to start working the store whenever we weren't working in our real jobs. Jacqui and I worked most weekends and filled in wherever and whenever we could.
Then came the diagnosis, then the chemotherapy than the uselessness kicked in. Being in a very small environment with the pungent aromas that those who have worked in a coffee shop know too well is not an ideal location for someone on chemo. What this meant for Jacqui is she now gets to be "Home-maker Superstar" keeping me and the kids alive, she also has to be "Successful Lawyer" and "Muzz Buzz Gosnells Manager".
I'm lucky to have her, and I hope she knows that I know that.
So the outcome of all that pressure is we started our own little legal practice, Byford Legal, and now Jacqui and I run the Muzz Buzz together and are building our new business which seems to be taking off.
So see what coffee can cause
that is all
Monday, 4 March 2013
Monday, 25 February 2013
@52Blogs - Week 8 - Valentines
“Valentine”
I love.
I love everyday.
Whilst I'm at it I make sure I declare my love everyday I need no card company to tell me I must declare it in the form of gift.
That's the history of Valentines day, it was "re-invented" by Hallmark in the early 1900's to increase sales, for me the day is simply a commercial bastardisation of something you should do every day with all your loved ones.
Whilst I'm not usually a big Country Music fan, I do subscribe to the words of Garth Brooks, in his beautiful song, If Tomorrow Never Comes. "So I made a promise to myself, to say each day how much she means to me and avoid that circumstance, where there's no second chance to tell her how I feel"
Here are the lyrics in full and a link to the song if you want to listen.
Sometimes late at night
I lie awake and watch her sleeping
She's lost in peaceful dreams
So I turn out the lights and lay there in the dark
And the thought crosses my mind
If I never wake up in the morning
Would she ever doubt the way I feel
About her in my heart
If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I loved her
Did I try in every way to show her every day
That she's my only one
And if my time on earth were through
And she must face the world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes
'Cause I've lost loved ones in my life
Who never knew how much I loved them
Now I live with the regret
That my true feelings for them never were revealed
So I made a promise to myself
To say each day how much she means to me
And avoid that circumstance
Where there's no second chance to tell her how I feel
If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I loved her
Did I try in every way to show her every day
That she's my only one
And if my time on earth were through
And she must face the world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes
So tell that someone that you love
Just what you're thinking of
If tomorrow never comes
That is all
Thursday, 21 February 2013
@52Blogs - Week 7 - Practice
Ok so I chose practice
Jacqui and I have been flat out recently in our efforts in keeping Muzz Buzz going whilst we are working hard at getting our Practice, Byford Legal, properly and fully off the ground.
What have I learned so far?
I need to practice patience
I need to practice good time management
I need to practice at being more supportive of Jacqui as she bares the bulk of the family weight
I need to practice being subordinate, I'm not the boss any more
I need to practice at better timeliness on my 52Blogs
Ill do better next week
That is all
Jacqui and I have been flat out recently in our efforts in keeping Muzz Buzz going whilst we are working hard at getting our Practice, Byford Legal, properly and fully off the ground.
What have I learned so far?
I need to practice patience
I need to practice good time management
I need to practice at being more supportive of Jacqui as she bares the bulk of the family weight
I need to practice being subordinate, I'm not the boss any more
I need to practice at better timeliness on my 52Blogs
Ill do better next week
That is all
Tuesday, 12 February 2013
@52Blogs - Week 6 - Books
“books”
This week we are asked
What do books mean to you? Do you have a particular relationship with books? A warm one? An antagonistic one? Are books merely printed words on a piece of paper? Or a screen? What is Steve McGarrett really on about when he says: “Book ‘em, Danno!”
Reading has been a foundation in my life, as a young boy I took to reading as fervently as a teenage boy leaps to a nipple. I always hold precious the memory of sitting on my Dads lap reading to him the adventures of Dick and Dora and their little friends Nip and Fluff. I remember devouring books and often reading books my sister was reading who was 2 years older than me.
I was introduced to Science Fiction when I discovering Isaac Asimov's Robot series which I loved and then followed up with the foundation series. I enjoyed the "possibility" of Sci-Fi, how things could be and I have had a life long love for the genre which can be evidenced by my unhealthy obsession with Star Trek and Star Wars. My Brother in law introduced me to Fantasy, the first book in this genre I read was the Magician, a book I have recommended to many folk since. It is a terrific example of all that is good in Fantasy and if you liked the Magician you would love the rest.
I love epic series of books best, they are a significant investment in time and emotion and also allow you to immerse yourself into the world the author is creating. Some of my most loved series are by the truly awesome, greats such as JRR Tolkien, Izaac Azimov, Raymond E Feist, George RR Martin, Philip K Dick, Frank Herbert David Eddings, Robin Hobb and Stephen Donaldson just to name a few. If you haven't read their books stop what your doing and immediately begin to read them.
Books, they can be escapism, they can be educational, they can be provoking, they can be the basis of religious practice or the chronicale of our time. But mostly they are simply important.
That's all I have to say about that
Sunday, 3 February 2013
@52Blogs - Week 5 - Special
This weeks topic is Special, where we are asked
"What does ‘special’ mean to you? What do you find special about the people and things around you? What makes you special? Whatever happened to politically motivated ska revival band The Specials?"
I've chosen to answer these questions specifically lets see how it pans out.
What does special mean to you?
Special is a much abused word, it has become the go to word for sports commentators the right of passage word for wannabe hipsters and the abused word by most teenager. For me it means something better than normal, something memorable, something moving, something inspiring or something awesome. I think to qualify as being special it must stir my waters in some way.
What do you find special about the people and things around you?
I love people and I can find something special about everyone I meet, what I most am attracted to in people is a beautiful mind. To define a beautiful mind is difficult and simple at the same time, to me its the ability to have an unbelievable understanding of things without smashing that ability in the faces of others. Simply put I have information and I can decipher this problem however I am not going to belittle you whilst I share that with you. If you can do that then your special.
The other kind of special in people is the one where people who for no other reason than a strong sense of right, stand up for, fight for or defend another, whilst that other is being wronged.
What makes you special?
Not much, I'm lucky to be surrounded by awesome people, so I bask in there collective specialness all the while not possessing a skerrick of special of mine own.
Whatever happened to politically motivated ska revival band The Specials?
Im glad you asked. Since the break-up in 1981, of the original line-up, they have reformed several times to tour and record in Specials-related projects. There has never been a complete reunion of the original line-up.
In the early 1990s, members of The Beat teamed up with members of The Specials to form Special Beat. The band toured and released some live albums. In 1996, several members of The Specials reunited to record Today's Specials, a studio album mostly of reggae and ska covers. This was followed in 1998 with an album of originals, Guilty 'til Proved Innocent!, featuring guest vocals by Tim Armstrong and Lars Frederiksen of Rancid. The band toured heavily in support of both releases. These albums were followed by Skinhead Girl in 2000 and Conquering Ruler in 2001.
On 30 March 2008, Hall stated that The Specials would be reforming for tour dates in Autumn 2008, and possibly for some recording. This was officially confirmed on 7 April 2008. In December 2008, the band had announced 2009 tour dates to celebrate their 30th anniversary. It was announced that founder member Jerry Dammers is not set to join the band on the tour. Hall was quoted as saying "The door remains open to him". However Dammers described the new reunion as a "takeover" and claimed he has been forced out of the band.
The Specials performed at Hyde Park with Blur and New Order to celebrate the 2012 Summer Olympics closing ceremony.
In August 2012, The Specials released their brand new live album called More ... Or Less The Specials Live on CD and vinyl, featuring "the best of the best" performances from their 2011 European tour - selected by the band themselves.
On 10 January 2013 the Specials announced the departure of Neville Staple via the following message on their web site: "We are very sad Neville cannot join us on The Specials UK tour in May 2013 or indeed on the future projects we have planned. He has made a huge contribution to the fantastic time and reception we have received since we started and reformed in 2009 . However , he missed a number of key shows last year due to ill health & his health is obviously much more important . We wish him the very best for the future."
Anyhow y'all that is all
Sunday, 27 January 2013
@52Blogs - Week 4 - Bedtime
When I started to think about this weeks topic, I asked my self what does Bedtime mean? Is it literal, abstract or greater than just its actual literal meaning? I think its all those things rolled up into one simple thing for us all.
Bedtime for me is a time of peace, it's that moment when the crazy that is our lives takes a deep breath, exhales and settles into the peaceful enjoyment of the evening. Just to be clear, I'm talking abut the kids bedtime not mine.
Bedtime is, in my opinion, the most important part of a child's day, the end game for every child's day. They wake, they eat, they play, they laugh, they cry, they yell, they eat some more, they bathe and finally they sleep. As parents we realised immediately, once the kids have gone to bed, we can just enjoy each other. For a very brief moment this mystical time becomes the essential key to the emotional well being of parents,
For people in a new relationship, you know the ones who are testing the reality of The Brady Bunch, it is singularly the most vital time of your day. Its when you can discuss tomorrow and how you plan to tackle it, its when you can share your frustrations and its when you can have a whole conversation without the interruption of a minor human being.
The single saddest moment for parents is when your oldest child turns 16/17 ish. This is the moment when you forever lose that quiet time mentioned earlier, that's right they don't go to bed any more when you want them to. Worse, they insist on sitting in your space and inserting their opinions into your conversation which finally and inevitably results in your peace being forever been stolen.
As a case in point as I finish off this, at best average, blog the last child slinks off to bed which is my move also.
Goodnight
Bedtime for me is a time of peace, it's that moment when the crazy that is our lives takes a deep breath, exhales and settles into the peaceful enjoyment of the evening. Just to be clear, I'm talking abut the kids bedtime not mine.
Bedtime is, in my opinion, the most important part of a child's day, the end game for every child's day. They wake, they eat, they play, they laugh, they cry, they yell, they eat some more, they bathe and finally they sleep. As parents we realised immediately, once the kids have gone to bed, we can just enjoy each other. For a very brief moment this mystical time becomes the essential key to the emotional well being of parents,
For people in a new relationship, you know the ones who are testing the reality of The Brady Bunch, it is singularly the most vital time of your day. Its when you can discuss tomorrow and how you plan to tackle it, its when you can share your frustrations and its when you can have a whole conversation without the interruption of a minor human being.
The single saddest moment for parents is when your oldest child turns 16/17 ish. This is the moment when you forever lose that quiet time mentioned earlier, that's right they don't go to bed any more when you want them to. Worse, they insist on sitting in your space and inserting their opinions into your conversation which finally and inevitably results in your peace being forever been stolen.
As a case in point as I finish off this, at best average, blog the last child slinks off to bed which is my move also.
Goodnight
Saturday, 26 January 2013
Licence to Watch #1 - Dr No
Watching Dr No with Lumpy, its fair to say this movie is somewhat dated my first impression is the overall feel of the movie is its not stood up so well over the years.
5 minutes in and we finally get to see Mr Connery (my all time fav actor) playing at the tables with his classic introduction my Name is Bond, James Bond
Great interaction between Bond and M, M reading Bond the riot act and forcing him to change guns.
Is that Steve McGarrett I just saw in Jamaica Maaan YES... Yes it is Jack Lord plays Felix Leiter CIA Agent who is on the same case as Bond
Im not sure but I think that spider is dead
Ursula Andress comes out of the ocean that classic scene
Classic Kill the guy behind scene
Then terhes the Dragon
Then Quarrel DIes
5 minutes in and we finally get to see Mr Connery (my all time fav actor) playing at the tables with his classic introduction my Name is Bond, James Bond
Great interaction between Bond and M, M reading Bond the riot act and forcing him to change guns.
Is that Steve McGarrett I just saw in Jamaica Maaan YES... Yes it is Jack Lord plays Felix Leiter CIA Agent who is on the same case as Bond
Im not sure but I think that spider is dead
Ursula Andress comes out of the ocean that classic scene
Classic Kill the guy behind scene
Then terhes the Dragon
Then Quarrel DIes
Sunday, 20 January 2013
@52Blogs - Week 3 - Rescue
Have you met Steve?
In thinking about this weeks topic I had many options.
I could talk about my last year and my battle with cancer, certainly without the help of the wonderful people at Sir Charles Gairdner Hospital Haematology, I wouldn't be around so clearly they rescued me.
I could talk about my GP who whilst giving me a medical, for insurance purposes, explained how it wasn't ok for me to weigh 148 kg or to have an at rest Blood Pressure of 190/140 or a calculated cholesterol of 13.6. I know your probably thinking, that's just him doing his job, where's the rescue moment? Well it was the part where he said "John, fix this or don't come back to see me because I don't want to sign your death certificate."
I could talk about my adoption, yes that's right I'm an adoptee, Ill talk about that another day I guess.
No, today we are going to talk about Steve, so as I asked before, have you met Steve?
In thinking about this weeks topic I had many options.
I could talk about my last year and my battle with cancer, certainly without the help of the wonderful people at Sir Charles Gairdner Hospital Haematology, I wouldn't be around so clearly they rescued me.
I could talk about my GP who whilst giving me a medical, for insurance purposes, explained how it wasn't ok for me to weigh 148 kg or to have an at rest Blood Pressure of 190/140 or a calculated cholesterol of 13.6. I know your probably thinking, that's just him doing his job, where's the rescue moment? Well it was the part where he said "John, fix this or don't come back to see me because I don't want to sign your death certificate."
I could talk about my adoption, yes that's right I'm an adoptee, Ill talk about that another day I guess.
No, today we are going to talk about Steve, so as I asked before, have you met Steve?
Steve is a 9 year old Australian Cattle Dog, he is and I say this with much pride, the worst example of a Blue Heeler you will ever meet.
In November 2011, our neighbourhood had had several "incidents", I finally had a really really good excuse to get a dog, our house "needed" some canine protection. I guess some back story would be helpful, you see Jacqui is not a "dog person" where as I am a "dog person", I have lived my entire life with a dog and Jacqui has never lived with a dog. I had been working on Jacqui for a long time to get her to agree to us having a dog, finally I had found a arguable excuse. Now some further helpful information is Jacqui is a loving caring person who is someone who will give up what she likes or wants for the better of others. Johns thought, RSPCA, rescue dog!!!!
That's right, I finally got to the point, Steve in all his glory is a rescue dog from the RSPCA.
His back story is quite sad, he was handed about from his original owner, a young man, then to his old parents who all did their very best to ruin Steve. The young man didn't pay Steve enough attention and didn't put in the vital training time and ended up with an unmanageable Blue Heeler. Bluey's are an awesome dog who are amazing IF you invest in them early, if you don't they become complicated. When the young man gave up on him he left Steve with his parents, these folk had no idea that this type of dog requires a strong firm owner so they went about spoiling him rotten. Steve quickly ruled that roost and seemed to have dominated the old folk to the point where they couldn't cope with him any more. After realising he was to difficult to handle they gave gave him to the RSPCA.
By the time I met Steve he had been at the RSPCA for more than 3 months and was being offered at a discounted price. I had had 2 Bluey's in the past and LOVE Bluey's, best dog in the world EVER #justsaying. I wanted this doggie bad, he was an outstanding looking dog, a sensational example of what a Australian Cattle Dog should look like. He had a beautiful nature appeared to be reasonably well behaved and I figured he would be an excellent choice for Jacqui's first dog. How foolish I was.
So I came home, gave the appropriate back story hit all the key emotional elements which led to Jacqui and the kids all going with me to the RSPCA the following day, we met him fell in love with him and took him home.
So what are the key behaviour elements of a Blue Healer
Bluey Trait Steve's Adherence to Trait
- Deeply faithful one man dog No
- Very energetic always active Sleeps all day
- Mad Ball/Stick/Anything chaser No, could not care less
- Fierce Guard Dog Nope, welcomes everyone
- Quiet don't bark much No, barks a LOT
- (insert all other Bluey Traits) No, No, No and no
Steve came home and promptly proceeded to spend the next 2 weeks escaping, he had a sever case of separation anxiety so as soon as we all went to work or school he made his way out of the block. I applied every effort known to man to keep him in the yard, Steve applied all of his ample brain to successfully escape. After many costly retrievals of our new dog from the pound we were forced to invest $600 for a dog barrier that would give him a shock any time he gets within half a meter of the fence. Steve suddenly chose to stay home, go figure?
Steve has many many many OCD issues, he is an incessant licker, scratcher and barker. In fact he barked so much that our terrific neighbours, who are lovely people, came to us and said we love Steve but he is driving us mad. As soon as you leave he Barks and Barks and Barks and Barks and Barks. So back to the dog control people for a bark collar, every time he barks he now gets a zap too. Steve suddenly chose to stop barking.
Now all we had to deal with was the licking and the slinking under chairs, beds furniture any time voices were raised, we have multiple teenagers, there's never a time when voices are not raised. So I boarded up under beds blocked off ways to get in under or behind furniture, its been over 2 years since we brought him home and he is slowly getting better.
There are a million Steve stories, he is a complicated ball of wax but to his core he is a beautiful sole. He is messed up due to his former multiple owners but his core self which was buried under all the "stuff" would shine from time to time. The core Steve is much more prevalent these days, he is more relaxed more at ease and seems to be getting slowly better however we have a way to go. I know he loves his life with us and he is content and will live his remaining years in happiness.
His happiness is my happiness. Thats a worthwhile example of rescue I think
Cue Aretha Franklin
That is all
Saturday, 12 January 2013
@52Blogs - Week 2 - Voices
Voice!
Strange bloody word really, when I think of the connotations of the word I realise it is diverse.
My voice has been my downfall, my saviour, my delight, my instrument and my career, for others it has chastised, motivated, supported, encouraged and been an aphrodisiac. I found at an early age that I was able to talk and people would listen, I would get lots of positive affirmation from the adults in my life so I naturally worked on that skill. As I grew, my voice, which made me popular as a child, started to become a liability as a teenager.
By my teenage years it was "that mouth will get that boy in a lot of trouble" and all I was doing was behaving as I would as a child except now my words were taken as a smart arse remark. It was no longer cute to say what you thought, as a teenager you were expected to show respect and you could not get away with a cute smile. Really all I was doing was saying and doing things that people wouldn't expect. One thing I've always been able to do naturally is sing, I have always carried a level of regret that I didn't do something more with my voice, had I put some effort in I may have gone somewhere with it.
In adulthood, I realised my voice was persuasive, I had many other skills particularly in the blossoming IT area, however my success was always in my voice. I discovered my thoughts and opinions were listened to. I was able to gather trust through simple conversation, people would listen to me and in turn buy stuff from me. It turns out I could sell stuff to people and whilst doing that I discovered I could sell myself to teach others how to sell stuff.
Public speaking comes naturally to me, I could never understand what the big deal was, it was simple, you step up to the microphone smile say something clever people laugh then you deliver your message. I became the go to guy for training seminars, Weddings or Funerals. There is a special emotion that comes when someone you care about asks you to stand up and speak for them in a time of great emotional joy or sadness.
I'm now on the other side of a challenging period, I don't know exactly where I'm going next. What will I be when I grow up? Im pretty sure my voice will be at the centre of things though.
Strange bloody word really, when I think of the connotations of the word I realise it is diverse.
My voice has been my downfall, my saviour, my delight, my instrument and my career, for others it has chastised, motivated, supported, encouraged and been an aphrodisiac. I found at an early age that I was able to talk and people would listen, I would get lots of positive affirmation from the adults in my life so I naturally worked on that skill. As I grew, my voice, which made me popular as a child, started to become a liability as a teenager.
By my teenage years it was "that mouth will get that boy in a lot of trouble" and all I was doing was behaving as I would as a child except now my words were taken as a smart arse remark. It was no longer cute to say what you thought, as a teenager you were expected to show respect and you could not get away with a cute smile. Really all I was doing was saying and doing things that people wouldn't expect. One thing I've always been able to do naturally is sing, I have always carried a level of regret that I didn't do something more with my voice, had I put some effort in I may have gone somewhere with it.
In adulthood, I realised my voice was persuasive, I had many other skills particularly in the blossoming IT area, however my success was always in my voice. I discovered my thoughts and opinions were listened to. I was able to gather trust through simple conversation, people would listen to me and in turn buy stuff from me. It turns out I could sell stuff to people and whilst doing that I discovered I could sell myself to teach others how to sell stuff.
Public speaking comes naturally to me, I could never understand what the big deal was, it was simple, you step up to the microphone smile say something clever people laugh then you deliver your message. I became the go to guy for training seminars, Weddings or Funerals. There is a special emotion that comes when someone you care about asks you to stand up and speak for them in a time of great emotional joy or sadness.
I'm now on the other side of a challenging period, I don't know exactly where I'm going next. What will I be when I grow up? Im pretty sure my voice will be at the centre of things though.
Saturday, 5 January 2013
@52Blogs - Week 1:Cake
This is what I must say when presented with cake
NO
No no no no no no,
My brain knows I have a propensity for all things bad for me.
My brain also knows I have no off button or even a functioning full gauge.
My brain knows I must avoid cake to remain healthy.
My brain rarely wins the day however.
I love cake, not all cake but I love at least these few
NO
No no no no no no,
My brain knows I have a propensity for all things bad for me.
My brain also knows I have no off button or even a functioning full gauge.
My brain knows I must avoid cake to remain healthy.
My brain rarely wins the day however.
I love cake, not all cake but I love at least these few
Angel cake
Angel food cake
Apple cake
Aranygaluska
Bakewell tart
Ballokume
Boston cream pie
Banana cake/bread
Banoffee pie
Bara brith
Battenberg cake
Baumkuchen
Bibingka
Bienenstich (Bee Sting)
Birthday cake
Black Forest cake, often known as "Black Forest gâteau"
Buccellato
Budapestlängd
Bundt cake
Butter cake
Butterfly cake
Carrot cake
Cheesecake
Chiffon cake
Chocolate cake
Christmas cake
Coffee cake
Croquembouche
Cupcake
Dacquoise
Date and walnut loaf
Date square
Depression cake
Devil's food cake
Dobos cake
Dundee cake
Eccles cake
Esterhazy torte
Fat rascal
Flourless chocolate cake
French Fancy
Frog cake
Fruitcake
Funing big cake
Genoa cake
Genoise (Genoese cake)
Gingerbread
Gooey butter cake
Hot milk cake
Ice cream cake
Jaffa Cakes
Kabuni
Kendal Mint Cake
Kiev cake
King cake
Kladdkaka
Kouign-amann
Kransekake
Lady Baltimore Cake
Lamington
Layer cake
Lemon cake
Madeira cake
Magdalenas
Mantecada
Marble cake
Mille-feuille
Molten chocolate cake
Mooncake
Muffin
Opera cake
Orange and polenta cake
Pampepato
Panettone
Parkin
Pavlova
Petits fours
Pineapple upside-down cake
Pontefract cake
Pound cake
Prinsesstårta
Prinzregententorte
Pumpkin bread
Punschkrapfen
Queen Elisabeth cake
Qumeshtore me pete
Red bean cake
Red velvet cake
Rum cake
Ruske kape
Sachertorte
Šakotis
Salzburger Nockerl
Sesame seed cake
Simnel cake
Soufflé
Spekkoek
Spice cake
Sponge cake
St. Honoré cake
Stack cake
Streuselkuchen
Sultana and cherry cake
Suncake
Swiss roll
Tarte Tatin
Tea loaf
Teacake
Tiramisu
Tompouce
Torta Tre Monti
Tres leches cake
Tunis cake
Upside-down cake
Victoria sponge cake
Wedding cake
Welsh cake
Whoopie pies
Wine cake
Yōkan
Most of all I like Ice Cream.
7 years ago I weighed 148kg had an at rest Heart Blood Pressure of 190/140, I was told by my Doctor to make a choice, stop treating my body as I had been, loose weight, give up cigarettes and get fit. I laughed and asked what was the other choice? He paused looked at me and said die before your 40 of massive coronary heart failure.
I chose the first option, so now I don't eat so much cake
I miss it
That is all.
Monday, 11 June 2012
Ep 11: SCGH : Haematology Care Centre
9th May 2012
Its the day I ve been chasing, the 1st meeting with the Specialist, Dr XYZ came highly recommended by everyone I know, so I'm feeling good about seeing him, turns out he is the Head Of Department at SCGH Haematology Care Centre, my appointment is 9:15am,
Its 6:30am, I would be lying if I said I wasn't disconcerted, by disconcerted I mean frightened of what is coming, unsure of how to process the information and a whole bunch of other stuff. The good news is Jacqui is coming with me so we will go together, she will listen and hear things I wont, she will do what she does best, see through to the heart of the matter and hopefully she will get some comfort also.
We get ourselves organised which includes getting Emma ready for school, the earliest we can drop her off is just after 8am so we will need to hustle to get to SCGH by 9:15, I hate being late and we are always late and Im regularly the reason we are late - Juxtapositions. We drop Emma off and drop into the Muzz Buzz grab a coffee and hit the traffic, there is no quick way of getting through the city this time of day. We arrive at SCGH at exactly 9:15 still looking for a car park its a disaster there with all the works going on. Long story short we find a good car park and find the clinic and I present myself a bit late as usual. I have to fill out some forms and wait a while for my turn, as I do this I look around the waiting room and see a number people in varying states of health, most of the men bald and most of the women either wearing wigs or scarfs, their overriding appearance is exhausted. I think to myself, what will I look like in a month or two?
Forms are filled in, mindless banter with Jacqui well under way and then my name is called, I jump up take a look at the man I'm about to trust my life with. I shake his hand say "G'Day I'm John, this is Jacqui", Dr XYZ returns the handshake firmly, smiles and says Hi I'm Dr Gavin XYZ. I take a look at Dr Gavin XYZ, he looks almost ordinary, like any average bloke, there was no cape, no Lycra Suit no, cool mask, just a thin mid 40's well dressed man who is graying.
Perfect, hes exactly what I want, hes calm, confident, quietly spoken, yep I like him.
"Well Gavin, its OK if I call you Gavin? What happens now?"
My new best mate Gavin agreed to let me call him Gavin (not that he had a choice), led us into his rooms and began to lay it all out for me.
"Well John, its alright if I call you John? You have Suspected Hodgkins Lymphoma"
OK he didn't say that, you got to admit though, that would have been funny, if he'd said that, good thing is I wanted the best Haematologist in town not the best comedian. So this is how the conversation really went.
"John through the work of your doctor you have a diagnosis of Suspected Hodgkins Lymphoma, your GP had a number of very important tests done which have given us information that points us strongly to Hodgkins, from here we need to do more tests to fully investigate the histology of what you have, once we know that we will set our treatment plan". "Gavin, what do you mean suspected, I thought it was confirmed, I thought I was here because I had Cancer".
Lets be honest this is not how I expected this conversation to go, I was all wired into having Cancer, I was prepared for all that was going to entail, I was ready to start treatment TODAY and now this guys putting doubt back in my mind. Gavin could see I was looking confused and worried so he cleared it all up.
"Fundamentally your GP has covered all the basics, we know you have all the elements of Hodgkins Lymphoma, you had a chest X-Ray where a large mass was found, as a result of that you had a neck and chest CT Scan which clearly showed significant masses in the lymph nodes in your chest and neck. Your GP then ordered a Fine Needle Aspiration which showed your Lymph contained cells that are suspected to be Hodkins Lymphoma and finally you had a lower Abdominal CT Scan which shows no visible signs of lumps below your diaphragm. We now need to do a number of further test to fully confirm the initial diagnosis and to go through a process called staging. The secret to the success in fighting Hodgkins Lymphoma is this process, the more precise we do this next phase the better your chances of a cure, because of this process we are achieving a better than 90% cure rate so you will need to be patient and go through the process however long it takes, are you OK with that?"
"Gavin lets do that it sounds sensible"
"Good John, then we need to do 3 more tests"
Q. How long will these further tests take?
A. I would think 2 to 3 weeks
Q. WIll I need surgery?
A. Yes for the Lymph Node removal.
Q. Whats involved with the Bone Marrow Biopsy
A. We take a sample of your Bone Marrow usually from your hip and also a sample of the bone from the same site, this is done with quite a large needle.
Q. Will it be painful?
A. I wont lie to you John, its not a pleasant procedure however we are very good at it and will minimize the discomfort as much as we can, whats important to remember is its a very important step
Q. What will the treatment plan be?
A. Well if you present as an early stage, it is likely we will do Chemotherapy followed by Radiation Therapy
Q. Chemo? How long will that take?
A. The treatment will last for four months after which we will probably do the Radiation Therapy ?
Q. Probably Radiation Therapy?
A. Yes we will consult with the radiologists once your testing is complete to discuss your treatment, it is possible, however unlikely, that they may choose another path.
Q. Will I be able to continue working?
A. The therapy will be fortnightly, you will be able to function in your work however you will find there will be times when you wont be able to cope, I would suggest you take each session as it comes.
Q. Fortnightly?
A. Once a fortnight you will be administered a Chemotherapy treatment we call ABVD, it takes 7 days for the therapy to process in your body and we give you 7 days to recover so we can begin treatment again, it is likely there will be at least 8 sessions hence the 4 months.
Q. What are the side affects, will I loose my hair?
A. There is a significant number of side effects you can expect, Nausea, Extreme Lethargy, Hair Loss just to name a few, we will give you lots of information about what will happen and what you should expect.
Q. Right lets get to it then, whats next?
A. Ill write up instructions for the tests required and have the bookings made on your behalf, I have made a booking for you to come back to see me on the 30th May, we should have all the results back by then and we can move forward, do you have any further questions?
Q. 30th May, bloody hell that's 3 weeks away?
A. John trust me we need to take these steps and we need to do it thoroughly, now is not the time to rush.
So that was that, Gavin sees us out we make our way to reception, a lovely young man takes my information, he makes an appointment for me immediately for the PET Scan on Friday 11th May and for the Bone Marrow on Friday 18th May. He informs me he will pass the details on to the Surgeon who will do the Lymph procedure and that the surgeons rooms will contact me with a date and time.
Its now 11.30 and I've had my first appointment, I'm a bit closer to knowing whats going to happen next, the Crazy Bastard is reasonably in check because it has dates and times to cling to which only leaves one thing left to do, get some lunch and go to work.
Its the day I ve been chasing, the 1st meeting with the Specialist, Dr XYZ came highly recommended by everyone I know, so I'm feeling good about seeing him, turns out he is the Head Of Department at SCGH Haematology Care Centre, my appointment is 9:15am,
Its 6:30am, I would be lying if I said I wasn't disconcerted, by disconcerted I mean frightened of what is coming, unsure of how to process the information and a whole bunch of other stuff. The good news is Jacqui is coming with me so we will go together, she will listen and hear things I wont, she will do what she does best, see through to the heart of the matter and hopefully she will get some comfort also.
We get ourselves organised which includes getting Emma ready for school, the earliest we can drop her off is just after 8am so we will need to hustle to get to SCGH by 9:15, I hate being late and we are always late and Im regularly the reason we are late - Juxtapositions. We drop Emma off and drop into the Muzz Buzz grab a coffee and hit the traffic, there is no quick way of getting through the city this time of day. We arrive at SCGH at exactly 9:15 still looking for a car park its a disaster there with all the works going on. Long story short we find a good car park and find the clinic and I present myself a bit late as usual. I have to fill out some forms and wait a while for my turn, as I do this I look around the waiting room and see a number people in varying states of health, most of the men bald and most of the women either wearing wigs or scarfs, their overriding appearance is exhausted. I think to myself, what will I look like in a month or two?
Forms are filled in, mindless banter with Jacqui well under way and then my name is called, I jump up take a look at the man I'm about to trust my life with. I shake his hand say "G'Day I'm John, this is Jacqui", Dr XYZ returns the handshake firmly, smiles and says Hi I'm Dr Gavin XYZ. I take a look at Dr Gavin XYZ, he looks almost ordinary, like any average bloke, there was no cape, no Lycra Suit no, cool mask, just a thin mid 40's well dressed man who is graying.
Perfect, hes exactly what I want, hes calm, confident, quietly spoken, yep I like him.
"Well Gavin, its OK if I call you Gavin? What happens now?"
My new best mate Gavin agreed to let me call him Gavin (not that he had a choice), led us into his rooms and began to lay it all out for me.
"Well John, its alright if I call you John? You have Suspected Hodgkins Lymphoma"
OK he didn't say that, you got to admit though, that would have been funny, if he'd said that, good thing is I wanted the best Haematologist in town not the best comedian. So this is how the conversation really went.
"John through the work of your doctor you have a diagnosis of Suspected Hodgkins Lymphoma, your GP had a number of very important tests done which have given us information that points us strongly to Hodgkins, from here we need to do more tests to fully investigate the histology of what you have, once we know that we will set our treatment plan". "Gavin, what do you mean suspected, I thought it was confirmed, I thought I was here because I had Cancer".
Lets be honest this is not how I expected this conversation to go, I was all wired into having Cancer, I was prepared for all that was going to entail, I was ready to start treatment TODAY and now this guys putting doubt back in my mind. Gavin could see I was looking confused and worried so he cleared it all up.
"Fundamentally your GP has covered all the basics, we know you have all the elements of Hodgkins Lymphoma, you had a chest X-Ray where a large mass was found, as a result of that you had a neck and chest CT Scan which clearly showed significant masses in the lymph nodes in your chest and neck. Your GP then ordered a Fine Needle Aspiration which showed your Lymph contained cells that are suspected to be Hodkins Lymphoma and finally you had a lower Abdominal CT Scan which shows no visible signs of lumps below your diaphragm. We now need to do a number of further test to fully confirm the initial diagnosis and to go through a process called staging. The secret to the success in fighting Hodgkins Lymphoma is this process, the more precise we do this next phase the better your chances of a cure, because of this process we are achieving a better than 90% cure rate so you will need to be patient and go through the process however long it takes, are you OK with that?"
"Gavin lets do that it sounds sensible"
"Good John, then we need to do 3 more tests"
- A Lymphectomy to remove a Lymph Node from your neck, this Node will be fully dissected to confirm Hodgkins and assess progress
- A PET Scan, which is a sophisticated scan like a CT Scan that will discover any cancerous cells in your body, this is required to establish exactly where in your body the cancer is active.
- A Bone Marrow Biopsy, we need to eliminate the possibility that the cancer is in your Bone Marrow.
Q. How long will these further tests take?
A. I would think 2 to 3 weeks
Q. WIll I need surgery?
A. Yes for the Lymph Node removal.
Q. Whats involved with the Bone Marrow Biopsy
A. We take a sample of your Bone Marrow usually from your hip and also a sample of the bone from the same site, this is done with quite a large needle.
Q. Will it be painful?
A. I wont lie to you John, its not a pleasant procedure however we are very good at it and will minimize the discomfort as much as we can, whats important to remember is its a very important step
Q. What will the treatment plan be?
A. Well if you present as an early stage, it is likely we will do Chemotherapy followed by Radiation Therapy
Q. Chemo? How long will that take?
A. The treatment will last for four months after which we will probably do the Radiation Therapy ?
Q. Probably Radiation Therapy?
A. Yes we will consult with the radiologists once your testing is complete to discuss your treatment, it is possible, however unlikely, that they may choose another path.
Q. Will I be able to continue working?
A. The therapy will be fortnightly, you will be able to function in your work however you will find there will be times when you wont be able to cope, I would suggest you take each session as it comes.
Q. Fortnightly?
A. Once a fortnight you will be administered a Chemotherapy treatment we call ABVD, it takes 7 days for the therapy to process in your body and we give you 7 days to recover so we can begin treatment again, it is likely there will be at least 8 sessions hence the 4 months.
Q. What are the side affects, will I loose my hair?
A. There is a significant number of side effects you can expect, Nausea, Extreme Lethargy, Hair Loss just to name a few, we will give you lots of information about what will happen and what you should expect.
Q. Right lets get to it then, whats next?
A. Ill write up instructions for the tests required and have the bookings made on your behalf, I have made a booking for you to come back to see me on the 30th May, we should have all the results back by then and we can move forward, do you have any further questions?
Q. 30th May, bloody hell that's 3 weeks away?
A. John trust me we need to take these steps and we need to do it thoroughly, now is not the time to rush.
So that was that, Gavin sees us out we make our way to reception, a lovely young man takes my information, he makes an appointment for me immediately for the PET Scan on Friday 11th May and for the Bone Marrow on Friday 18th May. He informs me he will pass the details on to the Surgeon who will do the Lymph procedure and that the surgeons rooms will contact me with a date and time.
Its now 11.30 and I've had my first appointment, I'm a bit closer to knowing whats going to happen next, the Crazy Bastard is reasonably in check because it has dates and times to cling to which only leaves one thing left to do, get some lunch and go to work.
Tuesday, 29 May 2012
Ep 10: Finally An Appointment
Thursday 3rd May 2012
I looked back at yesterday and realised that I let a silly thing become a massive thing, when you think about it I was having a "Grade A Kiddies Tantrum". I didn't get exactly what I wanted when I wanted it, as a result I lost control of my emotions and had a bit of a mini melt down.
Now I know its easy enough to condone the behaviour of yesterday, after all Ive got cancer, I must be beside myself, I must be frightened and I have a right to be angry when people don't do as they promise. To some degree all of those points have some merit but lets be honest they are all just excuses, yes I have cancer, yes I'm scared but do I need to loose control, did it help, did I get what I needed by loosing the plot? Of course not, what I needed to do was take a deep breath, take control of my emotions and look clearly at the situation and do something about it, it reminds me of the serenity statement,
I want to live up to it.
I seek
the serenity to accept what I cannot change;
the courage to change what I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.
I looked back at yesterday and realised that I let a silly thing become a massive thing, when you think about it I was having a "Grade A Kiddies Tantrum". I didn't get exactly what I wanted when I wanted it, as a result I lost control of my emotions and had a bit of a mini melt down.
Now I know its easy enough to condone the behaviour of yesterday, after all Ive got cancer, I must be beside myself, I must be frightened and I have a right to be angry when people don't do as they promise. To some degree all of those points have some merit but lets be honest they are all just excuses, yes I have cancer, yes I'm scared but do I need to loose control, did it help, did I get what I needed by loosing the plot? Of course not, what I needed to do was take a deep breath, take control of my emotions and look clearly at the situation and do something about it, it reminds me of the serenity statement,
I want to live up to it.
the serenity to accept what I cannot change;
the courage to change what I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Such a simple statement, so difficult to live up to, but try to I will.
Thursday is a busy day at Clearshield, its the day we pay our bills and wages therefore the day started off flat out which left me little time to worry about appointments. Marlene had called me earlier in the morning to let me know she would speak to her workmate who had strong connections with SCGH Haematology.
Around 1pm I got an urgent phone call from Marlene whilst I was on another call, when I finished the call I checked the message and she told me to ring her urgently. I immediately rang Marls, she told me I had to act quickly, it turns out my file ended up with Dr X who had decided to triage my file for 2 weeks. Marls knew I wanted Dr Y, she said her workmate found out Dr Y had an opening next week but I needed to get my GP to resend the referral specifically with Dr Y's name on the referral, she stressed this had to happen immediately I only had about an hour or less to get the info back to SCGH or I would miss out.
I rang my GP's surgery and got the receptionist, I explained the situation to her and she responded, "I will let the doctor know". I responded "NO please let me explain again, this is urgent I need this done now, I nee", she cut me off mid sentence saying "yes Mr Erren I will explain this to the Dr".
OK at this point I was annoyed, clearly I was not being listened too, this woman did not in the slightest way get the urgency I was trying to express and she would only do the rote behaviour. She will, as she always does, tell the patient that she would look into it, then in her own time eventually get to it.
This is how the conversation ended
"LOOK, please give me the respect of allowing me to complete a sentence, you WILL NOT fob this off, I have been diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma and I have an opportunity to get in front of the Head Specialist, the Dr I want to take care of me, you will act RIGHT NOW, not later! no you will not say to me Ill tell the doctor! and certainly you will not say you will look into it!"
"Now you have the referral from last Tuesday please find it and ask the Doctor to simply write attention Dr Y on the front and resend it. The receptionist at SCGH is standing by the Fax waiting for my sister to call, I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but this is my life I'm talking about please help me"
To her wonderful credit, she got it, she got the urgency she felt my need, "John, I will do it right now and I will call you back when its done, give me 10 minutes". I thanked her sincerely and hung up. Ten minutes later the phone rang, "John, its XYZ at the surgery, the referral is going through right now". I thanked her hung up and rang Marls, "its on their fax now".
Later that afternoon Theresa rang me saying she had received a response from Dr Y who said he would be more than happy to take care of me, all I had to do was get the file onto his desk. I explained to Theresa what had transpired earlier with Marlene and that Dr Y should by now have my file, Theresa was happy with that and so was I.
A few hours later, I had a call from SCGH Haematolgy Clinic, "Mr Erren, can you be here on Wednesday 9th May at 9:15?
Yes....... Yes I can
Around 1pm I got an urgent phone call from Marlene whilst I was on another call, when I finished the call I checked the message and she told me to ring her urgently. I immediately rang Marls, she told me I had to act quickly, it turns out my file ended up with Dr X who had decided to triage my file for 2 weeks. Marls knew I wanted Dr Y, she said her workmate found out Dr Y had an opening next week but I needed to get my GP to resend the referral specifically with Dr Y's name on the referral, she stressed this had to happen immediately I only had about an hour or less to get the info back to SCGH or I would miss out.
I rang my GP's surgery and got the receptionist, I explained the situation to her and she responded, "I will let the doctor know". I responded "NO please let me explain again, this is urgent I need this done now, I nee", she cut me off mid sentence saying "yes Mr Erren I will explain this to the Dr".
OK at this point I was annoyed, clearly I was not being listened too, this woman did not in the slightest way get the urgency I was trying to express and she would only do the rote behaviour. She will, as she always does, tell the patient that she would look into it, then in her own time eventually get to it.
This is how the conversation ended
"LOOK, please give me the respect of allowing me to complete a sentence, you WILL NOT fob this off, I have been diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma and I have an opportunity to get in front of the Head Specialist, the Dr I want to take care of me, you will act RIGHT NOW, not later! no you will not say to me Ill tell the doctor! and certainly you will not say you will look into it!"
"Now you have the referral from last Tuesday please find it and ask the Doctor to simply write attention Dr Y on the front and resend it. The receptionist at SCGH is standing by the Fax waiting for my sister to call, I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but this is my life I'm talking about please help me"
To her wonderful credit, she got it, she got the urgency she felt my need, "John, I will do it right now and I will call you back when its done, give me 10 minutes". I thanked her sincerely and hung up. Ten minutes later the phone rang, "John, its XYZ at the surgery, the referral is going through right now". I thanked her hung up and rang Marls, "its on their fax now".
Later that afternoon Theresa rang me saying she had received a response from Dr Y who said he would be more than happy to take care of me, all I had to do was get the file onto his desk. I explained to Theresa what had transpired earlier with Marlene and that Dr Y should by now have my file, Theresa was happy with that and so was I.
A few hours later, I had a call from SCGH Haematolgy Clinic, "Mr Erren, can you be here on Wednesday 9th May at 9:15?
Yes....... Yes I can
Sunday, 27 May 2012
Ep 9: Let the Frustration Begin
Wednesday 2nd May 2012
I'm at work, I'm waiting for the phone to ring, yesterday my doctor confirmed I have Hodgkin's Lymphoma and now I have to wait for an appointment with Haemtology. While I was with my doctor he rang SCGH Haematology Clinic and spoke directly to the Registrar who promised my Doc I'd get an appointment this week so all I had to do this morning was wait a for a call. Simple right?
Wrong
I waited till 11am, my Doctor said if I hadn't heard anything by 10am, I should give them a call so I figured waiting till 11 is reasonable. I rang the Haematology Clinic at SCGH, shared my name and details with the lovely young lady on reception and asked, reasonably I think, when my appointment was. To say I was a little surprised at the response would be an understatement,
"Yes Mr Erren, we have your file, Dr X will probably take a look at it tomorrow and we will let you know either by phone if its urgent or probably by mail when your appointment will be".
I responded, quite literally shocked
"Tomorrow? You will probably let me know by mail? And you say the Doctor wont even take look at my file till tomorrow? Tomorrow is Thursday! My doctor was told I would get an appointment this week, he spoke with your registrar, expressing this was urgent, and the registrar assured him I would see someone this week".
"Im sorry Mr Erren I cant help you any further than what I have already have told you, unfortunately this is the way the system works, we will contact you as soon as we know when your appointment is".
So today had an immediate transformation from pretty good to an angry piece of shit and all it took was one phone call with a receptionist in a hospital clinic.
So now what? I guess I had two options, sit back patiently and wait for someone to give me a call or call the people in my life who may be able to help. Anyone who knows me knows option A was never going to happen, the truth is I was not prepared to wait in the line where they were handing out patience so I just skipped straight past it, along the way I also skipped the lines where they handed out tact and the line where they handed out the filter that stops socially inappropriate remarks being said.
To option B then, let the phone calls begin. I started with Marlene, if you remember shes a specialist nurse who works closely with oncology nurses, I ring her she doesn't answer, I leave a message. I ring Theresa, she is a senior person in PathWest and works closely with Haematology so I figure she must have and in, she doesn't answer. I can feel the anger and frustration at the situation begin to build in me, of course both Marlene and Theresa are busy at their work, its 11am they are probably flat out, relax.
I'm feeling irrationally angry about this, it should be simple for Christ sake, I have cancer, its got to be addressed quickly, I don't have time to waste, don't they understand this? I do the only sensible thing, ring Jacqui, I'm frustrated about the situation, and Jac has a way of calming me down, we talk it through, she gives me some reassuring words tells me both Marlene and Theresa will call as soon as they can and it will figure itself out. I hang up and realise that I have been pacing up and down the Clearshield driveway through the conversation, a clear sign of my agitation.
Hours pass by, the day is a write off I cant concentrate on anything and I'm growling at anybody that comes near me, at 3:30 I finally give in and go home. On the way home Theresa rings, she tells me she has been in a conference all day, she would give the Specialist a call and send him an email. Marlene rings me back a bit later, she also says she will speak to her friends and see what she can do, she reassures me that the system works it can sometimes be frustrating but it works.
OK, so its Wednesday, I'm Pissed Off, I have no appointment and I'm not feeling very confident I will know anything tomorrow, what I do know is I wont be seeing anyone this week. A few hours later Theresa calls me and let me know she had rung the specialist, unfortunately she only got his message service so she decided to write him an email. She read it to me, it was a typical Theresa statement that fundamentally said in a professional tone to the Specialist, this is my friend, I love him and can you look after him for me please.
Oh well, its all we can do today, Marls is onto it, Theresa is on to it, time for a drink I think
I'm at work, I'm waiting for the phone to ring, yesterday my doctor confirmed I have Hodgkin's Lymphoma and now I have to wait for an appointment with Haemtology. While I was with my doctor he rang SCGH Haematology Clinic and spoke directly to the Registrar who promised my Doc I'd get an appointment this week so all I had to do this morning was wait a for a call. Simple right?
Wrong
I waited till 11am, my Doctor said if I hadn't heard anything by 10am, I should give them a call so I figured waiting till 11 is reasonable. I rang the Haematology Clinic at SCGH, shared my name and details with the lovely young lady on reception and asked, reasonably I think, when my appointment was. To say I was a little surprised at the response would be an understatement,
"Yes Mr Erren, we have your file, Dr X will probably take a look at it tomorrow and we will let you know either by phone if its urgent or probably by mail when your appointment will be".
I responded, quite literally shocked
"Tomorrow? You will probably let me know by mail? And you say the Doctor wont even take look at my file till tomorrow? Tomorrow is Thursday! My doctor was told I would get an appointment this week, he spoke with your registrar, expressing this was urgent, and the registrar assured him I would see someone this week".
"Im sorry Mr Erren I cant help you any further than what I have already have told you, unfortunately this is the way the system works, we will contact you as soon as we know when your appointment is".
So today had an immediate transformation from pretty good to an angry piece of shit and all it took was one phone call with a receptionist in a hospital clinic.
So now what? I guess I had two options, sit back patiently and wait for someone to give me a call or call the people in my life who may be able to help. Anyone who knows me knows option A was never going to happen, the truth is I was not prepared to wait in the line where they were handing out patience so I just skipped straight past it, along the way I also skipped the lines where they handed out tact and the line where they handed out the filter that stops socially inappropriate remarks being said.
To option B then, let the phone calls begin. I started with Marlene, if you remember shes a specialist nurse who works closely with oncology nurses, I ring her she doesn't answer, I leave a message. I ring Theresa, she is a senior person in PathWest and works closely with Haematology so I figure she must have and in, she doesn't answer. I can feel the anger and frustration at the situation begin to build in me, of course both Marlene and Theresa are busy at their work, its 11am they are probably flat out, relax.
I'm feeling irrationally angry about this, it should be simple for Christ sake, I have cancer, its got to be addressed quickly, I don't have time to waste, don't they understand this? I do the only sensible thing, ring Jacqui, I'm frustrated about the situation, and Jac has a way of calming me down, we talk it through, she gives me some reassuring words tells me both Marlene and Theresa will call as soon as they can and it will figure itself out. I hang up and realise that I have been pacing up and down the Clearshield driveway through the conversation, a clear sign of my agitation.
Hours pass by, the day is a write off I cant concentrate on anything and I'm growling at anybody that comes near me, at 3:30 I finally give in and go home. On the way home Theresa rings, she tells me she has been in a conference all day, she would give the Specialist a call and send him an email. Marlene rings me back a bit later, she also says she will speak to her friends and see what she can do, she reassures me that the system works it can sometimes be frustrating but it works.
OK, so its Wednesday, I'm Pissed Off, I have no appointment and I'm not feeling very confident I will know anything tomorrow, what I do know is I wont be seeing anyone this week. A few hours later Theresa calls me and let me know she had rung the specialist, unfortunately she only got his message service so she decided to write him an email. She read it to me, it was a typical Theresa statement that fundamentally said in a professional tone to the Specialist, this is my friend, I love him and can you look after him for me please.
Oh well, its all we can do today, Marls is onto it, Theresa is on to it, time for a drink I think
Wednesday, 16 May 2012
Ep 8: Yeah its Hodgkin's Lymphoma
Monday 30th April 2012
Back to work today, I prepared myself for all the questions from everyone in the office, I work with a tight group of people who genuinely care about each other, I think we sometimes over look the amount of time we spend with our workmates and how much they care about us and each other. The day went by fairly easily with the time being absorbed by catch up from last week and prep for the week to come. I had come to the conclusion that I wasn't likely to get a result today so dealing with the day was fairly simple, I have discovered that if someone tells me "don't expect something till X" then I'm all good.
We had volleyball that night at 6:15 so I had to be out of the office on-time to get there. As I rushed home Theresa rang to let me know that the results had just come in and that they would be sent through to the doctor who would likely ring me in the morning. I don't think I could have waited till then so I asked, "what is it" she paused a little and said "yeah its Hodgkin's Lymphoma".
I have to say I was surprised at my reaction to hearing it actually said, I expected a deep rush of emotions but it was all a bit matter of fact for me. Maybe because I already knew in my heart what it was and also maybe I was a little relieved. I was expecting it to be some form of Lymphoma so I was happy it was Hodgkin's as that was the better of the two to have. We talked a bit longer about what to expect next, said our goodbyes and I drove on. I phoned Jac to let her know as she was rushing home too, again both our reactions were more along the line of "oh well that's just confirmed what we kind of already knew"
I got home and rushed to change and get out to the Rec Centre, in the process stupidly leaving my phone at home. We played the games, I cant remember if we won or lost but I do remember strangely enjoying the night. We were de-sanding me, this is a ritual to remove half the sand from the volley ball court, off my hairy carcass after a game. This requires the help of my able assistant Jacqui, another shining example of her love for me because its quite the task. Jacqui's phone rang, she answered, it turned out it was my GP, he had been ringing my phone which was at home and was frustrated enough to look up Jacs number and called her to get a hold of me, it was around 7:15. "Hi John its Doctor X, I have been trying your phone for a while now, I was thinking this is weird you always have your phone with you, anyway I have your results, it is confirmed Hodgkins Lymphoma, I'd like you to come in 1st thing in the morning so we can start the treatment plan". Ok doc see you in the morning.
Tuesday 1st May 2012
Jacqui and I were in the Doctors Surgery for 9am, we were ushered in fairly quickly, the Doctor ran through the results of all the previous tests.
Back to work today, I prepared myself for all the questions from everyone in the office, I work with a tight group of people who genuinely care about each other, I think we sometimes over look the amount of time we spend with our workmates and how much they care about us and each other. The day went by fairly easily with the time being absorbed by catch up from last week and prep for the week to come. I had come to the conclusion that I wasn't likely to get a result today so dealing with the day was fairly simple, I have discovered that if someone tells me "don't expect something till X" then I'm all good.
We had volleyball that night at 6:15 so I had to be out of the office on-time to get there. As I rushed home Theresa rang to let me know that the results had just come in and that they would be sent through to the doctor who would likely ring me in the morning. I don't think I could have waited till then so I asked, "what is it" she paused a little and said "yeah its Hodgkin's Lymphoma".
I have to say I was surprised at my reaction to hearing it actually said, I expected a deep rush of emotions but it was all a bit matter of fact for me. Maybe because I already knew in my heart what it was and also maybe I was a little relieved. I was expecting it to be some form of Lymphoma so I was happy it was Hodgkin's as that was the better of the two to have. We talked a bit longer about what to expect next, said our goodbyes and I drove on. I phoned Jac to let her know as she was rushing home too, again both our reactions were more along the line of "oh well that's just confirmed what we kind of already knew"
I got home and rushed to change and get out to the Rec Centre, in the process stupidly leaving my phone at home. We played the games, I cant remember if we won or lost but I do remember strangely enjoying the night. We were de-sanding me, this is a ritual to remove half the sand from the volley ball court, off my hairy carcass after a game. This requires the help of my able assistant Jacqui, another shining example of her love for me because its quite the task. Jacqui's phone rang, she answered, it turned out it was my GP, he had been ringing my phone which was at home and was frustrated enough to look up Jacs number and called her to get a hold of me, it was around 7:15. "Hi John its Doctor X, I have been trying your phone for a while now, I was thinking this is weird you always have your phone with you, anyway I have your results, it is confirmed Hodgkins Lymphoma, I'd like you to come in 1st thing in the morning so we can start the treatment plan". Ok doc see you in the morning.
Tuesday 1st May 2012
Jacqui and I were in the Doctors Surgery for 9am, we were ushered in fairly quickly, the Doctor ran through the results of all the previous tests.
- The FNA confirmed Hodgkins Lymphoma and a Lymph Biopsy would be required for further confirmation and staging.
- The lower Abdominal CAT Scan showed no visible lumps which would indicate at this stage that the cancer is above the Diaphragm which is very good news
- The blood tests came back non specific.
So I was OK on the first 2 points but not OK on the blood tests, "Non Specific? what the hell does that mean?" The Doctor explained that all the indicators, Platelets, white blood cells etc whilst slightly raised were more in the line of someone who was fighting a mild infection which may indicate that my body was not yet in full stress mode trying to attack the cancer. "so does that mean we've got it early" In typical Doctorese, "at this stage we don't know, we need to refer you to a Haematologist who will do further tests and you will know more from there".
Now let me state something here and now, my GP has been awesome and I fully understand he has done everything he can to help me. Simply put, when your faced with this stuff hes the "Go To Guy" for information and when he doesn't have it ya get cranky. This is neither fair or reasonable behaviour on my part but sometimes the Crazy Bastard aint always up for reasonableness.
So we filled out the forms, had the referrals done and sent off to Sir Charles Gairdner Haematology with the closing remark, if you haven't heard from them by 10am tomorrow give them a call and find out whats going, you should get an appointment this week.
Sure I will
Now let me state something here and now, my GP has been awesome and I fully understand he has done everything he can to help me. Simply put, when your faced with this stuff hes the "Go To Guy" for information and when he doesn't have it ya get cranky. This is neither fair or reasonable behaviour on my part but sometimes the Crazy Bastard aint always up for reasonableness.
So we filled out the forms, had the referrals done and sent off to Sir Charles Gairdner Haematology with the closing remark, if you haven't heard from them by 10am tomorrow give them a call and find out whats going, you should get an appointment this week.
Sure I will
Thursday, 10 May 2012
Ep 7: Nothing left to do but burn stuff
Sunday 29th April 2012
So there we were, sitting on Mums bed, she was telling us about the procedure she was prepping for, it involved her drinking 4 liters of some fluid. A nurse would come at 7:30am the next morning to have Mum swallow a Pill Camera and attach a receiver to her which the Pill Camera transmits the pictures to, it travels through her intestines and takes 60,000 photos over 8 hours.
We chatted about other stuff for a while, I was beginning to waver, starting to talk myself out of telling her, Marlenes right, Mum might not cope, she might stop doing the procedure, then common sense prevailed.
"Mum I need to talk to you about some stuff" and I delivered the story, Mum sat there quietly, she very typically looked at me and said "wat betekent dat allemaal, dat begrijp ik niet", To translate, for the young players in the audience, and those of you who aren't Dutch, its Mums way of expressing dismay and disbelief, it basically means "what are you saying, I cant believe what I'm hearing", this is not a direct translation its more of a gist of what she was saying.
Mum remained calm, she had a very sad look on her face as she asked the usual questions.
The conversation went something like this
"what will happen? - I don't know yet Mum"
"what did the Doctor say? - he said I need to do a lot of tests and see the Specialist"
"Ja, maar Johnny, je kunt het vechten, je bent toch sterk"
Actual Translation - Yes but Johnny you can fight it, you are strong
Gist of what she meant - I have faith in you, you are strong and you will beat this
This is Mums way of saying it will all be OK, somehow it felt like it would be, we talked for a while longer about other stuff and then it was time to go and I got my hug, it was a warm strong hug that ended with "you will be OK and I love you".
We drove home, I spoke with Jacqui about the whole thing, we both agreed Mum was fine and that she really is a tough old girl. Marlene went to see Mum not long after we left, as she was leaving she text me to say Mum was fine and that I was right, she was coping well with the news.
Well that went well enough!
Only one thing to do, go home crack a bottle of wine and light a big fire.
Make the fire so irresistible that Chris and Trevor come over and drink wine with us.
And they did
And it was fun
The things I REALLY love
So there we were, sitting on Mums bed, she was telling us about the procedure she was prepping for, it involved her drinking 4 liters of some fluid. A nurse would come at 7:30am the next morning to have Mum swallow a Pill Camera and attach a receiver to her which the Pill Camera transmits the pictures to, it travels through her intestines and takes 60,000 photos over 8 hours.
We chatted about other stuff for a while, I was beginning to waver, starting to talk myself out of telling her, Marlenes right, Mum might not cope, she might stop doing the procedure, then common sense prevailed.
"Mum I need to talk to you about some stuff" and I delivered the story, Mum sat there quietly, she very typically looked at me and said "wat betekent dat allemaal, dat begrijp ik niet", To translate, for the young players in the audience, and those of you who aren't Dutch, its Mums way of expressing dismay and disbelief, it basically means "what are you saying, I cant believe what I'm hearing", this is not a direct translation its more of a gist of what she was saying.
Mum remained calm, she had a very sad look on her face as she asked the usual questions.
The conversation went something like this
"what will happen? - I don't know yet Mum"
"what did the Doctor say? - he said I need to do a lot of tests and see the Specialist"
"Ja, maar Johnny, je kunt het vechten, je bent toch sterk"
Actual Translation - Yes but Johnny you can fight it, you are strong
Gist of what she meant - I have faith in you, you are strong and you will beat this
This is Mums way of saying it will all be OK, somehow it felt like it would be, we talked for a while longer about other stuff and then it was time to go and I got my hug, it was a warm strong hug that ended with "you will be OK and I love you".
We drove home, I spoke with Jacqui about the whole thing, we both agreed Mum was fine and that she really is a tough old girl. Marlene went to see Mum not long after we left, as she was leaving she text me to say Mum was fine and that I was right, she was coping well with the news.
Well that went well enough!Only one thing to do, go home crack a bottle of wine and light a big fire.
And they did
And it was fun
The things I REALLY love
- Jacqui
- The Kids
- Ice cream
- Fire
Wednesday, 9 May 2012
Ep 6: I wanted a hug from my Mum
So you might remember I mentioned my mind can be a crazy bastard if left unchecked, I don't mind telling you that "Crazy Bastard" did some of its best work over the next 4 days waiting for results.
Thursday 26th April 2012
Today we have the biopsy at 2pm, its called a Fine Needle Aspiration (FNA) this procedure is performed with out anesthetic and with the help of an Ultra Sound to ensure they don't pierce one of the major arteries in my neck. Just out right excited about getting that done *holds up sarcasm sign*
Tomorrow the Abdominal Cat Scan (no we wont be scanning my abdomen for a cat).
Jacqui has taken the next 2 days off to be with me while I do this stuff, support I love and appreciate and it must be said, an excellent way of keeping the earlier mentioned Crazy Bastard (my mind) in order.
With out constant outside stimulation from others (Jacqui), i.e.conversation filled with common sense, positive outlooks, warm hugs and realistic expectations the Crazy Bastard, lurches towards such sensible topics as "Is my Life Insurance up to date", "shit I need to sort out my will" and "how do I want my funeral to be". There are also some other sub topics like "I wonder if I can still be an organ donor if I die of cancer" and "I think Ill do a video message that they can play at my funeral".
Thursday kind of blasted by me without me really noticing - WIN
Friday 27th April 2012
Tests, phone calls and stuff.
I had a bunch of phone calls today both taken and made, the main phone calls I made were to my sister Marlene and to Theresa, they are both involved in the medical industry. Marlene is a specialist Nurse who deals directly with cancer patients and practitioners and Theresa is a Medical Scientist and Manager of Perth's Major Pathology provider. Both of them are able to inform me on who to speak to and how long tests will take.
I wanted results today, I wanted to go see my doctor today, I wanted to go into the weekend knowing exactly what I was facing and exactly what is coming up. What I got was a reality check, John, tests take time, John, doctors have schedules filled with other people who need them too.
Jacqui took me to lunch, it was nice just to spend time with her just to take a breath just to enjoy each other for a while. We spent the afternoon doing stuff sorting some things out with the Muzz Buzz and having a couple of drinks, that evening I went to pick up Matt.
Saturday 28th April 2012
Jacqui and I worked at the Muzz Buzz got home had a few wines collapsed fell asleep on the couch
Sunday 29th April 2012
Jac and I were due to work the whole day however we arranged for Kate and Matt to do the afternoon for us so I could go see my Mum. I had decided on Tuesday to not tell mum until I was absolutely certain what was going on, I was trying to protect her but in the process was hurting myself.
Heres the premise, Mums 82 years old has a bunch of health issues going on and in the last 6 months has moved out of her home into an aged care facility, she needs shielding from this right?
No No NO
Shes not a child, she is in perfect mental health, she is the strongest person I know and shes my mum and I need a hug from her.
Mum is an amazing woman who has lived her life with dignity and strength, she has gained the love and respect of everybody that has had anything to do with her.
Lets list some of her career highlights
Thursday 26th April 2012
Today we have the biopsy at 2pm, its called a Fine Needle Aspiration (FNA) this procedure is performed with out anesthetic and with the help of an Ultra Sound to ensure they don't pierce one of the major arteries in my neck. Just out right excited about getting that done *holds up sarcasm sign*
Tomorrow the Abdominal Cat Scan (no we wont be scanning my abdomen for a cat).
Jacqui has taken the next 2 days off to be with me while I do this stuff, support I love and appreciate and it must be said, an excellent way of keeping the earlier mentioned Crazy Bastard (my mind) in order.
With out constant outside stimulation from others (Jacqui), i.e.conversation filled with common sense, positive outlooks, warm hugs and realistic expectations the Crazy Bastard, lurches towards such sensible topics as "Is my Life Insurance up to date", "shit I need to sort out my will" and "how do I want my funeral to be". There are also some other sub topics like "I wonder if I can still be an organ donor if I die of cancer" and "I think Ill do a video message that they can play at my funeral".
Thursday kind of blasted by me without me really noticing - WIN
Friday 27th April 2012
Tests, phone calls and stuff.
I had a bunch of phone calls today both taken and made, the main phone calls I made were to my sister Marlene and to Theresa, they are both involved in the medical industry. Marlene is a specialist Nurse who deals directly with cancer patients and practitioners and Theresa is a Medical Scientist and Manager of Perth's Major Pathology provider. Both of them are able to inform me on who to speak to and how long tests will take.
I wanted results today, I wanted to go see my doctor today, I wanted to go into the weekend knowing exactly what I was facing and exactly what is coming up. What I got was a reality check, John, tests take time, John, doctors have schedules filled with other people who need them too.
Jacqui took me to lunch, it was nice just to spend time with her just to take a breath just to enjoy each other for a while. We spent the afternoon doing stuff sorting some things out with the Muzz Buzz and having a couple of drinks, that evening I went to pick up Matt.
Saturday 28th April 2012
Jacqui and I worked at the Muzz Buzz got home had a few wines collapsed fell asleep on the couch
Sunday 29th April 2012
Jac and I were due to work the whole day however we arranged for Kate and Matt to do the afternoon for us so I could go see my Mum. I had decided on Tuesday to not tell mum until I was absolutely certain what was going on, I was trying to protect her but in the process was hurting myself.
Heres the premise, Mums 82 years old has a bunch of health issues going on and in the last 6 months has moved out of her home into an aged care facility, she needs shielding from this right?
No No NO
Shes not a child, she is in perfect mental health, she is the strongest person I know and shes my mum and I need a hug from her.
Mum is an amazing woman who has lived her life with dignity and strength, she has gained the love and respect of everybody that has had anything to do with her.
Lets list some of her career highlights
- Lived through WWII as a teenager, supporting her Mum and Sick Father in keeping their huge family safe and together
- Married my Dad & they emigrated to Australia
- Discovered they were unable to have kids so went back to Holland to try and solve that issue to no avail
- Decided to come back to Aus and brought My Oma and Mums 13 Brothers and Sisters here with them (calculated plan of Dad to stop Homesickness for Mum).
- Adopted my Sister and I
- Lost the love of her life and soul partner (My Dad) to Cancer in 1992
- Hugged me when I told her they had found lumps in my chest and told me it would be ok
Mum was due to have a procedure done the next day, I rang Marlene to let her know I had changed my mind and wanted to tell Mum what was going on. Marlene was not very happy about me telling Mum because she was concerned the stress it would put her under and that it may put the procedure for tomorrow under jeopardy.
I guess I have to take a step back here, I wanted to tell my Mum about this for my benefit, to help me, was I being selfish? No, I don't think I was, like I've said Mum is a strong amazing woman and we ought to give her more credit, yes her body may be frail but her mind is not. I had told everyone else around me what was going on and hadn't told my Mum, that was wrong, she should have been one of the 1st to know not the last. Who am I to decide for her what she can cope with?
The most important point is that I needed to tell her, for my benefit, to help me process all this and to get a hug from my Mum
Tuesday, 8 May 2012
Ep 5: The Explaining
Right so that was Tuesday the 24th April 2012, forever known as "That Tuesday"
Wednesday 25th April 2012
Its ANZAC Day, Jac and I worked the Muzz Buzz together from 8am to 2pm, we are massively short staffed so we have had to step up and do some time in the store. Its turned out to be a god send, just being with each other working together without having to constantly think about "it".
We knocked off and headed home, we ended up next door with Chris and Trevor, this is the beginning of the Phase I'm now calling "The Explaining".
Aside from my family there are a number of people in my life who just deserve the full explanation, on top of that pile are Robbie and Theresa. I spoke to Robbie on "That Tuesday", Robbie is my best mate, he is a wonderful human who I am so proud to call my mate. He is someone, probably the only one that can tell me I'm wrong, he has been my comfort so many times when things are tough and equally I have been his through his journey, hes my best mate and he was the 1st person I told.
We have traveled some roads together and have been there for each other, he'll be there with me when this gets serious. I'm a lucky Man, I have Jacqui, a strong wonderful woman, who despite good reasons not to, loves me unconditionally and I have Robbie who is a strong wonderful man who also loves me unconditionally.
Bryn and Wendy are our Indoor Volley Ball team mates and also great friends, we have an easy, complication free friendship and have enjoyed many meals laughs and good times together. Jacqui and I truly enjoy their company and they were the next people we saw after having told the kids, so they got to hear about this on "That Tuesday" also.
Chris and Trevor are our neighbours and friends, we spend a lot of free time together, after working at the Muzz Buzz Jac and I went next door to have a drink with them, 1st thing Trevor says to me is "why do you look like the worlds going to end" so we told them too.
Jac and I did not feel like cooking so we decided to go to The Byford for dinner, and naturally dinner at The Byford required the participation of The Jones Family, and it was so and it was good, sadly Bryn proved to be correct on 2 separate occasions, I was off my game.
ANZAC Day was brought to you By the Letter C and a number of days more of waiting
Wednesday 25th April 2012
Its ANZAC Day, Jac and I worked the Muzz Buzz together from 8am to 2pm, we are massively short staffed so we have had to step up and do some time in the store. Its turned out to be a god send, just being with each other working together without having to constantly think about "it".
We knocked off and headed home, we ended up next door with Chris and Trevor, this is the beginning of the Phase I'm now calling "The Explaining".
Aside from my family there are a number of people in my life who just deserve the full explanation, on top of that pile are Robbie and Theresa. I spoke to Robbie on "That Tuesday", Robbie is my best mate, he is a wonderful human who I am so proud to call my mate. He is someone, probably the only one that can tell me I'm wrong, he has been my comfort so many times when things are tough and equally I have been his through his journey, hes my best mate and he was the 1st person I told.
We have traveled some roads together and have been there for each other, he'll be there with me when this gets serious. I'm a lucky Man, I have Jacqui, a strong wonderful woman, who despite good reasons not to, loves me unconditionally and I have Robbie who is a strong wonderful man who also loves me unconditionally.
Bryn and Wendy are our Indoor Volley Ball team mates and also great friends, we have an easy, complication free friendship and have enjoyed many meals laughs and good times together. Jacqui and I truly enjoy their company and they were the next people we saw after having told the kids, so they got to hear about this on "That Tuesday" also.
Chris and Trevor are our neighbours and friends, we spend a lot of free time together, after working at the Muzz Buzz Jac and I went next door to have a drink with them, 1st thing Trevor says to me is "why do you look like the worlds going to end" so we told them too.
Jac and I did not feel like cooking so we decided to go to The Byford for dinner, and naturally dinner at The Byford required the participation of The Jones Family, and it was so and it was good, sadly Bryn proved to be correct on 2 separate occasions, I was off my game.
ANZAC Day was brought to you By the Letter C and a number of days more of waiting
Monday, 7 May 2012
Ep 4: Kids, we need to talk
Tuesday 24th April 2012
One of the tough jobs was telling the kids, Kate had seen me after the doctor, she was following me on her way to the Muzz Buzz to start her shift. She was aware that her mum had met me at the hospital and was worried about what was going on. I pulled into the Muzz Buzz to grab a coffee on my way through to Clearshield, Kate opens my passenger door looks at me and asks are you OK?
I really wasn't ready to tell her, I wasn't ready to tell myself, unfortunately she could see something was wrong and I couldn't lie to her. "They have found a bunch of lumps in my neck and chest, we have to do some tests and stuff". There was a look of sadness that shifted to anger, she said nothing, she simply closed the car door and went into the Muzz Buzz. I spoke to her through the window, "Kate its going to be OK! We will figure this out and it will be OK, alright?" She smiled, I smiled, I drove away.
Kate has a way of converting her strong emotions to anger, this is her defence mechanism primarily developed to cope when she was a young girl. When I met Jacqui, I connected quickly with Kate, she displayed many amazing traits and her fair share of annoying traits, what Kate wanted more than anything else was a Dad, someone who would love her unconditionally, stand by her, stand up to her, support her and most importantly be there for her always. There's nothing Kate could do that could push me away and she knows that, today was the 1st day where that has been put in doubt and that makes her angry. Makes me angry too.
That afternoon I had a brief management meeting at the office and discussed the situation with my management team, tasking them with work etc as I would not be in for the rest of the week as I needed to get tests done over the coming days. Oddly I found myself cleaning up my desk, putting it in order, dealing with the little unimportant 1% things like I wasn't coming back. My brain is a crazy bastard that left unchecked is a ticking time bomb.
Jac and I planned to arrive home at roughly the same time that night we discussed how we would approach this with the kids and what was the best way to share the news with them. I got home 5 or 10 minutes before Jac, Matt knew Id been to the doctor that morning and was suspicious about what was going on having already asked me a few times what was going on. I told him to let me get in the door and get changed etc and Id tell him all about it. When Jac arrived we talked and decided to wait for Kate to get home from the Muzz Buzz which meant probably a half hour wait, the kids were yahoooing about the place having fun and I was happy to leave them that way for a little longer.
When Kate got home I asked everyone to come into the lounge so we could have a chat. I started by asking if they would listen and allow me to fully explain what was going on, after which they can ask as many questions as they liked.
I laid it all out as simply and as honestly as I could, trying to deliver a balanced message that allowed the kids to have the information they needed without loosing hope. Matt began to well up as I was explaining, I asked him to try and look at this as a challenge we have to face together as a family, that thinking positively for me is the most powerful thing he could do for me. Kate gathered both Matt and Emma in a hug, this is very typical Kate, she is very supportive of others and shows great empathy, the kids often lean on her for support in times of stress. I continued to explain what had happened during the day and what was coming in the next few weeks, and most importantly that we would work through this as a family and that I loved them.
Then came the unanswerable questions,
"what will happen?" - I don't know yet!
"are you going to have Chemo?" Maybe, I don't really know yet!
"do you feel sick?" - No I feel absolutely healthy!
"are you going to die?" - Its possible, I don't know until I have been fully diagnosed!
"are you scared?" - Yes I'm scared, but I'm also strong and determined to fight!
"are you going to be OK?" - Yes I'll be OK, remember most important of all, I love you.
Hugs all round, then back to the routine that is night time for the kids, showers dinner etc.
So 3 down 1 to go, Bec.
This meant ringing up and speaking to her Mum first to give her the information first, I cant tell you how much I did not want to do that but it was important so she could be there for Bec when I told her.
I don't have a lot of words about this moment aside from it was hard for me, I didn't want to tell my daughter over the phone about this but given the current circumstance I had little choice. I asked Bec to try and remain calm and gave her the info as best I could, I told her the story and gave her the opportunity to ask any questions, there were few and the call was over fairly quickly.
I haven't fully explored how I feel about this yet there is so many emotions and wounds here, at the end of the day I love Bec, I miss her and I hope one day Ill have her properly back in my life.
So that's done what now? Indoor Beach Volleyball, lets go Jac an hour of forget
One of the tough jobs was telling the kids, Kate had seen me after the doctor, she was following me on her way to the Muzz Buzz to start her shift. She was aware that her mum had met me at the hospital and was worried about what was going on. I pulled into the Muzz Buzz to grab a coffee on my way through to Clearshield, Kate opens my passenger door looks at me and asks are you OK?
I really wasn't ready to tell her, I wasn't ready to tell myself, unfortunately she could see something was wrong and I couldn't lie to her. "They have found a bunch of lumps in my neck and chest, we have to do some tests and stuff". There was a look of sadness that shifted to anger, she said nothing, she simply closed the car door and went into the Muzz Buzz. I spoke to her through the window, "Kate its going to be OK! We will figure this out and it will be OK, alright?" She smiled, I smiled, I drove away.
Kate has a way of converting her strong emotions to anger, this is her defence mechanism primarily developed to cope when she was a young girl. When I met Jacqui, I connected quickly with Kate, she displayed many amazing traits and her fair share of annoying traits, what Kate wanted more than anything else was a Dad, someone who would love her unconditionally, stand by her, stand up to her, support her and most importantly be there for her always. There's nothing Kate could do that could push me away and she knows that, today was the 1st day where that has been put in doubt and that makes her angry. Makes me angry too.
That afternoon I had a brief management meeting at the office and discussed the situation with my management team, tasking them with work etc as I would not be in for the rest of the week as I needed to get tests done over the coming days. Oddly I found myself cleaning up my desk, putting it in order, dealing with the little unimportant 1% things like I wasn't coming back. My brain is a crazy bastard that left unchecked is a ticking time bomb.
Jac and I planned to arrive home at roughly the same time that night we discussed how we would approach this with the kids and what was the best way to share the news with them. I got home 5 or 10 minutes before Jac, Matt knew Id been to the doctor that morning and was suspicious about what was going on having already asked me a few times what was going on. I told him to let me get in the door and get changed etc and Id tell him all about it. When Jac arrived we talked and decided to wait for Kate to get home from the Muzz Buzz which meant probably a half hour wait, the kids were yahoooing about the place having fun and I was happy to leave them that way for a little longer.
When Kate got home I asked everyone to come into the lounge so we could have a chat. I started by asking if they would listen and allow me to fully explain what was going on, after which they can ask as many questions as they liked.
I laid it all out as simply and as honestly as I could, trying to deliver a balanced message that allowed the kids to have the information they needed without loosing hope. Matt began to well up as I was explaining, I asked him to try and look at this as a challenge we have to face together as a family, that thinking positively for me is the most powerful thing he could do for me. Kate gathered both Matt and Emma in a hug, this is very typical Kate, she is very supportive of others and shows great empathy, the kids often lean on her for support in times of stress. I continued to explain what had happened during the day and what was coming in the next few weeks, and most importantly that we would work through this as a family and that I loved them.
Then came the unanswerable questions,
"what will happen?" - I don't know yet!
"are you going to have Chemo?" Maybe, I don't really know yet!
"do you feel sick?" - No I feel absolutely healthy!
"are you going to die?" - Its possible, I don't know until I have been fully diagnosed!
"are you scared?" - Yes I'm scared, but I'm also strong and determined to fight!
"are you going to be OK?" - Yes I'll be OK, remember most important of all, I love you.
Hugs all round, then back to the routine that is night time for the kids, showers dinner etc.
So 3 down 1 to go, Bec.
This meant ringing up and speaking to her Mum first to give her the information first, I cant tell you how much I did not want to do that but it was important so she could be there for Bec when I told her.
I don't have a lot of words about this moment aside from it was hard for me, I didn't want to tell my daughter over the phone about this but given the current circumstance I had little choice. I asked Bec to try and remain calm and gave her the info as best I could, I told her the story and gave her the opportunity to ask any questions, there were few and the call was over fairly quickly.
I haven't fully explored how I feel about this yet there is so many emotions and wounds here, at the end of the day I love Bec, I miss her and I hope one day Ill have her properly back in my life.
So that's done what now? Indoor Beach Volleyball, lets go Jac an hour of forget
Friday, 4 May 2012
Ep 3: I'm afraid its not good news
Tuesday 24th April 2012 (cont....)
So there we sit, waiting, I'm called in to speak with the Head Radiologist, Dr XYZ, "I have reviewed the CT scan and there is a large number of lumps in your neck and chest. The largest cluster are along your sternum predominantly on your right side. I have spoken with your GP, he would like to see you immediately, I will complete my review and you can take the report and films with you, your GP will discuss your care plan with you"
All the staff at the radiology clinic and I mean ALL of them are being extremely helpful, I'm the only person there with a cup of coffee made for me, nothing is too much and the speed at which I had the results and the review would make some folk uncomfortable, why else other than having a real issue are these lovely people being so extra lovely just to me?
Its roughly Midday, I'm strangely feeling calm and in control, Jacqui is beside me holding my hand, we go to our cars and head off to Byford to see my GP.
Jaqui and I arrive at the Byford Medical Center, present at the reception and within a few minutes are sitting down with my GP. "Thanks for coming back, I've received your CT scan from the radiologist and I'm afraid its not good news." In a nutshell he begins to describe the issues as presented, I have a large number of lumps present in my neck and chest, the largest is 55mm x 65mm, my lungs are however clear which is a good sign. Im shown the CT scan where you can clearly see the lumps and man there is a shit load of them.
What now doc?
"OK we will need to do a biopsy, its called a FNA and is done by gathering cells from your Lymph Node with a needle which is guided by an ultrasound to ensure we don't rupture any of the main blood vessels that surround the area."
"The biopsy is required to ascertain what type of cancer you have, my best guess is it will be Lymphoma however although your lungs are clear you may also have Lung Cancer"
"Lets hope its Lymphoma"
"You also will need a Abdominal CT Scan to see if your lumps are also below the diaphragm. Once we have the results back we will discuss any possible treatment plans."
I ask some questions, what will happen next? what is the procedure? is there a cure? will I die? The answers consisted of "we will know more when we have the results back".
Tomorrow is ANZAC Day so we arrange the Biopsy for Thursday and the Abdominal CT Scan for Friday, I loose my control a little, I hug Jacqui and head off to the office to confront the rest of the day and to arrange for some time off.
Time to start telling people who need to know what I now know, there's a significant mass of lumps in my neck and chest!
So there we sit, waiting, I'm called in to speak with the Head Radiologist, Dr XYZ, "I have reviewed the CT scan and there is a large number of lumps in your neck and chest. The largest cluster are along your sternum predominantly on your right side. I have spoken with your GP, he would like to see you immediately, I will complete my review and you can take the report and films with you, your GP will discuss your care plan with you"
All the staff at the radiology clinic and I mean ALL of them are being extremely helpful, I'm the only person there with a cup of coffee made for me, nothing is too much and the speed at which I had the results and the review would make some folk uncomfortable, why else other than having a real issue are these lovely people being so extra lovely just to me?
Its roughly Midday, I'm strangely feeling calm and in control, Jacqui is beside me holding my hand, we go to our cars and head off to Byford to see my GP.
Jaqui and I arrive at the Byford Medical Center, present at the reception and within a few minutes are sitting down with my GP. "Thanks for coming back, I've received your CT scan from the radiologist and I'm afraid its not good news." In a nutshell he begins to describe the issues as presented, I have a large number of lumps present in my neck and chest, the largest is 55mm x 65mm, my lungs are however clear which is a good sign. Im shown the CT scan where you can clearly see the lumps and man there is a shit load of them.
What now doc?
"OK we will need to do a biopsy, its called a FNA and is done by gathering cells from your Lymph Node with a needle which is guided by an ultrasound to ensure we don't rupture any of the main blood vessels that surround the area."
"The biopsy is required to ascertain what type of cancer you have, my best guess is it will be Lymphoma however although your lungs are clear you may also have Lung Cancer"
"Lets hope its Lymphoma"
"You also will need a Abdominal CT Scan to see if your lumps are also below the diaphragm. Once we have the results back we will discuss any possible treatment plans."
I ask some questions, what will happen next? what is the procedure? is there a cure? will I die? The answers consisted of "we will know more when we have the results back".
Tomorrow is ANZAC Day so we arrange the Biopsy for Thursday and the Abdominal CT Scan for Friday, I loose my control a little, I hug Jacqui and head off to the office to confront the rest of the day and to arrange for some time off.
Time to start telling people who need to know what I now know, there's a significant mass of lumps in my neck and chest!
Ep 2: The Doctor
Tuesday 24th April 2012
The Doctors appointment was @ 7:45 AM, I figured get in early get told it was nothing to worry about and get into work at a reasonable time. Jacqui is due in court this morning so she couldn't come along.
The Doc was running on time and I'm getting the full prod and poke, yes the lump in my neck was odd but everything else seems fine, no I cant feel any other lumps in all the other areas, armpits groin etc, lungs sound fine good blood pressure all things seem OK.
Doctor recommends getting bloods done, getting a chest and neck X-Ray and an ultrasound on the lump. He shares, I can do bloods at the surgery and head down to Armadale immediately and have the X-Ray done but I will have to make an appointment for the Ultrasound in a few days.
So I head on down to Armadale, present at the X-Ray clinic and book the Ultrasound which wouldn't be until next Monday, I can go straight in for the X-Ray. I wait for about 10 mins then get called up and taken to the X-Ray section and have my neck and chest X-Ray-ed. Twenty minutes later all done and dusted and I'm in the reception area paying the bill and confirming the Monday Ultrasound, its about 9:30 AM, I'm thinking cool be in the office by 10 all good.
I have left the building, I'm walking to my car and am about half way across the carpark when I hear someone call my name, I turn to see the guy from X-Ray walking to me asking if I could come back in as the Head Radiologist would like to speak to me, I agree and we walk back together in silence.
FUCK, no seriously FUCK what does this mean, no John its ok relax they just didnt get an X-Ray right that's all it is, nothing to worry about.
I get back to the reception area and am asked to take a seat, the doctor will be with me shortly.
"John? Hi my name is Doctor XYZ, I'm the Head Radiologist here, look Ive found a "significant mass" in your chest and would like to do a CT Scan right away. Ive phoned your doctor and he has agreed and will fax the referral to me now so is OK if we do that?"
External John - "Sure absolutely no probs lets do that now, thanks heaps"
Internal John - Fuck, a significant mass? - what the fuck does that mean?
urgent CT Scan? - That doesn't sound good
Fuck, no relax its fine, it will be fine
FUCK, calm down dickhead its gonna be fine
FUCK FUCK FUCK, OK I'm officially shitting myself
Right get a hold of your self John, stay calm we will figure it all out.
I txt Jacqui, "can you call me when you get out of court" and I wait for about 30 minutes. A lovely nurse calls me and gets me to change into a hospital gown and asks me to lay on a bed to have an intravenous put in for the Dye. A few minutes later that's done, its now 10:30 AM ish, Jacqui rings, shes out of court, I tell her the story so far, she says shes coming straight away. I'm thinking thank you, I need you right now, I'm saying I'm sure it will be fine, she agrees it will be fine.
Im called up and go in for the CT Scan, they hook me up to this dye, inject it and I get a feeling much like a hot flush, I'm told this is normal. After a few jokes with the nurses and radiographer approx15 mins later I'm back in the waiting area, waiting for the films to take back to my GP.
Jacqui arrives and gives me a huge hug, in that simple hug I feel my strength, my sense of self and my confidence returned to me, never are you more aware of how integral someone is to your sense of being alright than at these times.
I love you Jacqui, your a strong amazing woman who has overcome so many challenges, I'm thankful you are by my side
Ill tell you all the rest of this day in the next post
The Doctors appointment was @ 7:45 AM, I figured get in early get told it was nothing to worry about and get into work at a reasonable time. Jacqui is due in court this morning so she couldn't come along.
The Doc was running on time and I'm getting the full prod and poke, yes the lump in my neck was odd but everything else seems fine, no I cant feel any other lumps in all the other areas, armpits groin etc, lungs sound fine good blood pressure all things seem OK.
Doctor recommends getting bloods done, getting a chest and neck X-Ray and an ultrasound on the lump. He shares, I can do bloods at the surgery and head down to Armadale immediately and have the X-Ray done but I will have to make an appointment for the Ultrasound in a few days.
So I head on down to Armadale, present at the X-Ray clinic and book the Ultrasound which wouldn't be until next Monday, I can go straight in for the X-Ray. I wait for about 10 mins then get called up and taken to the X-Ray section and have my neck and chest X-Ray-ed. Twenty minutes later all done and dusted and I'm in the reception area paying the bill and confirming the Monday Ultrasound, its about 9:30 AM, I'm thinking cool be in the office by 10 all good.
I have left the building, I'm walking to my car and am about half way across the carpark when I hear someone call my name, I turn to see the guy from X-Ray walking to me asking if I could come back in as the Head Radiologist would like to speak to me, I agree and we walk back together in silence.
FUCK, no seriously FUCK what does this mean, no John its ok relax they just didnt get an X-Ray right that's all it is, nothing to worry about.
I get back to the reception area and am asked to take a seat, the doctor will be with me shortly.
"John? Hi my name is Doctor XYZ, I'm the Head Radiologist here, look Ive found a "significant mass" in your chest and would like to do a CT Scan right away. Ive phoned your doctor and he has agreed and will fax the referral to me now so is OK if we do that?"
External John - "Sure absolutely no probs lets do that now, thanks heaps"
Internal John - Fuck, a significant mass? - what the fuck does that mean?
urgent CT Scan? - That doesn't sound good
Fuck, no relax its fine, it will be fine
FUCK, calm down dickhead its gonna be fine
FUCK FUCK FUCK, OK I'm officially shitting myself
Right get a hold of your self John, stay calm we will figure it all out.
I txt Jacqui, "can you call me when you get out of court" and I wait for about 30 minutes. A lovely nurse calls me and gets me to change into a hospital gown and asks me to lay on a bed to have an intravenous put in for the Dye. A few minutes later that's done, its now 10:30 AM ish, Jacqui rings, shes out of court, I tell her the story so far, she says shes coming straight away. I'm thinking thank you, I need you right now, I'm saying I'm sure it will be fine, she agrees it will be fine.
Im called up and go in for the CT Scan, they hook me up to this dye, inject it and I get a feeling much like a hot flush, I'm told this is normal. After a few jokes with the nurses and radiographer approx15 mins later I'm back in the waiting area, waiting for the films to take back to my GP.
Jacqui arrives and gives me a huge hug, in that simple hug I feel my strength, my sense of self and my confidence returned to me, never are you more aware of how integral someone is to your sense of being alright than at these times.
I love you Jacqui, your a strong amazing woman who has overcome so many challenges, I'm thankful you are by my side
Ill tell you all the rest of this day in the next post
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